2010 Shows

Parents, if you have a teen, today's show may be your wake-up call. Find out what your son or daughter may be doing to gain or keep a love interest. When Sami was 16, she met an older boy on the Internet and says she was brainwashed by his controlling ways. She says she would do anything and everything to please him, including harming herself. While they were together, her relationships with her mother and friends were torn to pieces. Learn how Sami finally broke free from the hold her boyfriend had on her, but why she feels like he still has power over her. When Dr. Phil puts Sami through an emotional exercise, will she find the answers she's been searching for? And, don’t' miss the warning signs to watch for to know if your teen is obsessed with love and how to end the unhealthy infatuation.

Find out what happened on the show.
Replied By: tulipsandsage on Jan 7, 2012, 11:57PM
Hi Sammy,

It's a little late but I somehow came across your episode with Dr. Phil on Youtube just today, and it was surprisingly serendipitous. 

I'm a 24-yr-old woman living in Sydney, Australia, and I've only last month provided a report to the police to charge the man who is my version of your ex. I was groomed from 14 by a man seven years my senior who not only moulded me into his version of the perfect wife-to-be, but emotionally, mentally and sexually abused me for four years in secret. Not one person knew what was going on, despite me spending every second, every cent, every thought on him. What you went through, I went through also, but because mine lasted for four years 'til I was 19, the law is on my side (as a then-minor) to hold him accountable. I guess I finally got to the stage where I held dealt enough with my own emotional wreck of a self that, now being in a stable place--emotionally, domestically, relationship-wise--I'm ready to seek the... vindication maybe... of exposing him for the monster that he is. It's only been in the last 12 months that I feel like I truly know myself again. After my personality was stripped away I had to rebuild my identity from scratch, and I know you'll relate when I say that's pretty difficult when for however long every action, word and behaviour was dictated and scrutinised. Deciding to pursue criminal charges is almost like the nail in the coffin of my silence. In re-claiming my agency I've realised how efficacious I can be, and that if anything--understanding the power that my words and actions can have on my life and the issues I'm passionate about--it what has reversed the self-esteem damage.

Seeing you now, bolstered by your stalwart resolves of confidence, individuality and motherhood, I am truly joyous. Watching you talk to your mirrored self was like seeing myself five years ago, and I'm so proud of your journey. Not many people understand how it happens, or why we let it happen, or how difficult it is to excise ourselves from relationships like this. We spend a long time exorcising demons and searching for catharsis before we can live with freedom from self-doubt, and it seems like you're making great strides in your life, as well as helping others. 

My hope for you is that you find more passion, individuality and happiness every day.

Thank you for your story.

Replied By: samirae1120 on Feb 15, 2011, 12:28PM - In reply to daylightamy
After reading through everytthing that everyone has wrote since the episode has aired, I must say that of all of them.. your comment has meant the most and has had the most impact.
I never got the surgery, just for further notice. I felt I did not need it, and did not ask for anymore after I had my daughter. My fiance also asked I did not get it because he told me I need to learn to love myself.
I found something beyond beautiful breasts and an education that can make me love myself more than anything.. that would be my daughter Lily.
On November 9th, 2010.. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl in this world and we could not be happier than we are now. We have a beautiful little family, and most importantly, a HEALTHY family.

Before. I took my life for granted, I took advantage of materialistic things, and now I see this world from a different angle and I'm enjoying every single day at home with my family.

My life, how I look at it.. breasts and all.. is perfect.
And it is all because of my daughter.
I was meant to be a mother, I was meant to tell her the things you have told me when she is my age.
I truly appreciate everything you have mentioned.
Thank you.

Replied By: daylightamy on Jan 20, 2011, 10:24AM - In reply to mandarin
I can't say I respect the statement that women are allowed to feel like failures in life over their breast size. You say you would pick plastic surgery over an education because your breast size has ruined your relationships, self-esteem and life... I can't believe someone as intelligent as you (it is clear that you are, I am not trying to bash you) would think a bodypart is a valid reason to declare yourself or your life or even just your lovelife, "failed". You are in so much deeper than you think and I hope you either solve it on your own, or find someone who can help you see the light.

I know you think I'm trying to talk down on what you perceive to be a very real problem, but you have to understand that you yourself declared you have self-esteem issues, and I am saddened by the fact that you think they can be solved by changing one bodypart. There are so many roads to happiness and self-esteem... one bodypart is never a whole road.

To show you that I do understand where you're coming from... I am a petite girl with a natural G-cup. It sags quite a bit. I was on the road to professional dancing when they started blocking my way. I do know how it feels to be anything but average... and before anyone thinks it, NO, having a natural G-cup does not make you feel sexier or more loved than anyone. All I've ever gotten for them was racy and rude yelled comments on the street... genuine love I found for someone who loved who I am as a whole. Actually, my boyfriend always preferred smaller breasts! He's come to love them for what they are because he loves ME, and that is exactly IT.

You will come to love yourself and your life for the whole package, not for one compartment. If you hate your breasts so much that they can ruin your life, you lack a fundemental basic love for yourself as a person and as a whole package. I think I have enough to offer to make up for my shortcomings.

And NO, you CAN'T "get an education anytime". Lots of people can't afford that, ESPECIALLY if they don't have a job (because they haven't been educated properly) to pay for the tuition. I can't believe how much you take that for granted.

You are suggesting that a woman with perfectly sized C-cup breasts could love herself even if she thought she was dumb and ugly. You are suggesting that your hate or love for one part of yourself should be allowed to define you. You can't blame all your misery on one thing. And even if you aren't, you can't blame your lack of self-love on one thing. If you love yourself in a healthy, normal way, you are able to say "okay, so this is a bad thing about me... the rest is good enough for me to make the best of it".

There are people living without limbs. With half of their bodies covered in burn scars. There are people living with slowly-destroying diseases. And yet somehow they are able to believe they deserve love even if some things aren't the way they had hoped and dreamed.

I find it scary that you justify low self esteem based off breast size. Would I pick different ones if God asked me if I wanted less heavy, saggy, painful ones? Probably. However, everything else in my life is exactly how I want it - I worked for that, I earned that. And so I'm pretty much over it. Someone doesn't like me for my breasts? Then they really aren't the kind of person I want near me anyways. Did I have to give up my dream of dancing because of my breasts? Yeah but luckily I have found SO many more things in life I can be passionate about and good at. Life didn't end when I didn't get what I ordered.

I just hope you come to realize that you should allow yourself to make yourself miserable over something that doesn't have to stop you. I hope you don't let anyone else make you feel like you are worth any less, either.

I'd rather have my freak breasts than be in a wheelchair or not have my education to be able to pay my rent and discover new things to be passionate about. Try and release yourself please.
Replied By: jessielouise on Aug 20, 2010, 12:09AM - In reply to samirae1120
Dear Sami,

The episode you spoke out on, just aired in Australia and I really have no other words than to say thank you, to you. For so long now i've been trying to tell myself that everything was okay and right but I realise after hearing what you said..maybe what is happening isn't right. Thank you for speaking out - I don't know how you did it and got to where you are today because the thought of the what might happen if I did that and the consequences just scares me and upsets me...I really respect you and what you did, it would have taken guts and a whole lot more.

I won't write too much, coz everyone can read it. I have no idea how to get where you are today but i hope to maybe get there. Thank you again.
Replied By: chrissyblue on Aug 18, 2010, 7:39PM
I feel a huge amount of empathy for Sami. When I was 17yo I started a 3 and a half year relationship with a guy who I thought I was totally in love with. He emotionally abused and scarred me literally to a point of breaking me. He too said he preferred skinny girls; so i hardly ate anything. He would scream at me, put me down and tease me until I became so stressed out I literally became sick. He crushed my self esteem so badly i no longer knew who I was. Because the type of abuse is not visible like physical abuse is it is easy to deny and to turn the blame back on yourself.
It took over a year of counseling, support from my parents, friends and a great doctor to finally get me back on track. It is fantastic that Sami has been able to speak about what she went through because I believe once you break down the denial about the abuse and you get a good enough grasp on the embarrassment to talk about it in public that's when you start to heal. I no longer feel afraid about being "alone". I got myself a dog because when you're down they are there to love you and be with you until you feel better. My friends and family showed me so much support when i talked to them about my problems I knew that they'd always be there for me. And everyday I tell myself that I will no longer let ANYBODY treat me like my ex did ever again. If anyone makes me feel bad about myself I tell myself they do not deserve to be around me and I do not need them. I am in control. Be strong Sami. Given time you will become stronger for all of this if you believe in yourself. And for all those things that you like about yourself there is someone out there that will love them too. Don't change a thing.
Replied By: regel84 on Aug 18, 2010, 12:42AM
Dear Sami

The show where we hear about your struggle with getting over this mentally abusive relationship just reached Denmark, and I was so touched by it. I recognize some of your emotions and your low self esteem, though I have never found myself in a similar relationship situation. I feel for you because you should not have had to go through all this - especially not at this age. I am 25 years old myself and still struggle a lot with my body image. I have yet to take a knife to my thigh in the way you did but the thought has surely been there, and I have actually had periods in my life of being a socalled 'cutter'.
I admire you so much for coming on TV and talking about all of this. You are so brave, and I think you just might have a really great future ahead of you. There are men out there who are simply great and who are able to be a great support and a partner in your life. You are such a pretty and brave girl, and I wish you all the best!

Replied By: mandarin on Jul 21, 2010, 3:04PM - In reply to ellenspringer
I cannot believe that there are still people like you in this world that can't open up their minds a tiny bit and believe that a girl can feel ssooo much pain from having a problem like  different sized breasts.  I have that problem, and let me tell you, NO ONE can fully understand how hurtfull and humiliating it is.  Trust me, I would WITHOUT a doubt pick plastic surgery before money to go to college.   I have lived with this problem since puberty and I am 26 years old now.  I have no self esteem and it has ruined ALL my relationships with past boyfriends.  You can always get education... but a poor self esteem will bring you no where.

This problem has stopped me from doing what I love... I used to be a dancer, but I had to quit because I couldn't go braless.  It stops you from doing a lot of things that girls with "normal breasts" take for granted. So maybe next time, you can think a little more about someone else's problems and see how it really affects them.
Replied By: thiele on Jul 12, 2010, 5:54PM - In reply to r52snowball
I am now getting to understanding your problem - its just so sad - life is too short to have all this turmoil.  Your situation is quite different from mine though.  To simplify it all our daughter met this person and he gradually brainwashed her and because she was lonely and thought she would be left on the shelf because she had never been out with a boy and she was 26 (she is now nearly 36) and been married for nearly ten years.  We have not had bad words with her at all - HE did all the talking  and she didn't say a word.  I rang her 6 weeks after we had gone down to her house and were ordered off the property by him and she just stayed behind the door and said nothing.  When I rang her she spoke to me (he must not have been home) and we had a nice chat, although she seemed a bit guarded in what she said and when we finished the conversation, she said "I love you Mum" and that was the last time we have been able to speak with her.   I cannot understand his parents - if that was my son I would tell him he cannot continue this situation.  HE had this all planned from the beginning - he did every thing he could to have us not meet his parents, but we finally got our way.  These sort of people pick girls who they know they can control.  I fear the rejection if I try and contact her again and I am not sure what to do.  If I wait a bit longer she may see him for what he is.  He said WE have too much influence over her.  She doesn't have any contact with her friends from her church and no one at all from her past.  He knows that if we see her she will listen to us.    We have a great relationship with our son and his wife and we have 3 lovely grandchildren.  We see them whenever we want to and we all get on so well.

After a while this message board will go - I think they only have it for a certain period of time and then you can no longer put messages on about this 'Title', which is a shame.  I will enjoy hearing from you while we can and you are in my thoughts - its always nice to get things off your chest.... Kind Regards
Replied By: r52snowball on Jul 12, 2010, 3:14PM - In reply to samirae1120
about my daughter being pregnant when she was with him in Fla, I was just stating a fact. I was trying to let others know our story. I meant nothing sarcastic. My granddaughter is now 15 and I have had her every weekend since she was a week old.
Replied By: r52snowball on Jul 12, 2010, 3:08PM - In reply to thiele
Hi thiele,
It is so very hard to see our children in these situations. I will tell you just some of what has happened before she married him. She was to go on a crew trip with the school. He managed to "ride shotgun" for the trip. When I took my daughter and found this out, I told the teacher that I would hold her legally and morally if he went. It must have worked bc he wasn't going. My daughter refused to get on the bus bc he wasn't going. The teacher told me to leave as she would handle things.
Turns out she left with him without telling anyone what she was doing. I had my husband come home for work; we looked every where we thought they were. After a few hours we went home, my late and my oldest daughter went looking for her at his house. They were there. My husband said she became hysterical and my late hit her across her face which if very odd as he never laid a hand on the kids. He brought her home but after she put up a great fuss by putting one leg out they got that leg in then one of the arms etc.
When they came home I told my late that the police needed to be called bc I knew he would. That is exactly what happened. The police came here to talk with my late to see what he had to say. They told us that it took 5 or so times for him to tell the right story. That wasn't the end. He went around his neighborhood to tell people that my late broke her leg; punched her in the face. All was NOT true. A friend of his called, said he wanted to talk with her. I was against it but my late said he didn't care let her go. I got a call from the ER that my daughter was there and he told his story. They had to call in Children Services bc of what he said. Xrays showed nothing. After talking with my late, Children Services knew that he did nothing but her "boyfriend" was running around the ER saying that my late beat her etc. Children Services were willing for us to take her and not him. We went into the room with CS and the woman talked with my daughter. She asked about going home with us and she wanted to go with him or to his aunt's. The woman told her NO those were not choices. She ended up in a juvenle place which happened to be a few blocks from us. We were allowed to visit but that was all. The woman told us that we should not bring things from home for her bc then it looked like a vacation.
I had to hire a lawyer and she was given one thru the courts. Of course we got her back. The 3 of us were to go to a therapist. My daughter refused to talk to the woman bc I told her the truth. Then she wouldn't even go with us. my late and I went a few times together but then my late pulled the "if she doesn't have to go" why should eye.
From there things went downhill. He left without calling and telling her. She found out he was in FLA and that was when I told her to either leave to go to be with him or stay and I would pay the tuition. Well, you know the rest. It took awhile for her to "come back" to us but not really. Make sense??
My daughter had my 1st granddaughter and after she got out, I told her that I would keep granddaughter on the weekends so I did.
She still caters to him but we do manage to go out 1 day a week...shopping and out to lunch. Please understand that he handles the money even though she works as a cashier, he gets it all. She goes with me, she needs to ask him for money. It would be a cold day before I would ASK for money!!!!
I will end this with what my granddaughter told me on Friday. My daughter told her that it was OK if she came here Friday afternoon to spend the night. He was there when she told him bye. He asked where she was going and she said here. He loudly told her I didn't know anything about you going. I MAKE THE DECISIONS IN THIS HOUSE. My granddaughter said but mom should make some decisions too. I told my daughter when she came here. She said my granddaughter told her. I came right out and told her that she needs to put him in his place. I told her that my granddaughter sees and hears all...that is NOT good. Even now he rules the roost...not good!! My granddaughter is 15 and asked for the number of my lawyer bc she wanted to come live with me. I told her that she couldn't but when she was 18 she is considered an adult. She has told me many times that she wants to live here. Oh, one more thing, I told you he can't stay with a job. He has been working as a bartender. He has been there maybe 6 months. My granddaughter told me that he is ready to quit working at that bar and may be looking for a different bar to work at.
I know how you feel so please keep in touch via this board. I have you & family in my prayers
Hugs, Mary
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