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2010 Shows

 
(Original Air Date: 05/20/10) How does your family’s emotional programming affect the person you are today? Julie, 20, says that she grew up in an abusive home, as did her mother and grandmother. Now she fears that the cycle of violence is continuing in her own marriage. Her husband, John, says that he and Julie constantly fight and that she even went to jail for domestic violence. Julie worries that their 10-month-old daughter, Jalie, is being programmed to continue a parental legacy filled with fury and pain. Watch what happens when Dr. Phil asks Julie to perform a rage experiment. Can the young woman escape the anger prison, or is she doomed to constantly relive her family history?

Find out what happened on the show.
Comments
Replied By: sha_me on Aug 26, 2010, 3:33PM - In reply to elaines1014
Breathe in...  Breathe out...  It's ok that you feel this way.  It's ok that you wrote what you did.  I do understand why you'd have those feelings. 

My guess is, you're probably in a similar situation and you may be offended because in speaking about the mother of this little girl, I may be hitting home with some things you may be going through.  If this is the case, I am truly sorry and I hope your situation improves. 

I grew up in a home with a violent, abusive, alcoholic father, a detached, uncaring, abusive mother, sadistic brothers who enjoyed (literally) torturing many things including both my brother and me, from the time we were both very, very young.  I grew up in the same situations these people came from.  I have walked in the same shoes they have.   Mine and my brother's is a tale that is all too common I'm afraid.

Being a victim is a choice.  Staying in abusive, unhealthy situations is a choice for most.  It's by no means an easy choice, but *most* people have option.  Not all, no.  But most.  This young mother - she has a choice. 

I still maintain, if these people cared about that child she'd be in an adoptive home.

Think about how many children would be spared horrific, unnecessary, unspeakable trauma if parents put their children's welfare before their own selfish desires.

Ask yourself why the mother of this little girl kept her child rather than putting the child in a healthier environment?  How do you think she'd respond?  I'd bet money that each reason she gives ends up being all about her.  I've heard these beliefs before:

"It's my child."
"Children belong with their biological parents."
"I love her."
"I want a child - I want a family."
"I don't want to give her up.  I am capable of raising a child."
"I don't believe in giving children away".
"She's better off with me than with strangers."
"I want a family so I can raise my kids different than I was raised."
"I couldn't live with myself if I gave up my baby."

Blah, blah blah.  Me, me, me.

And in the mean time the child suffers unnecessarily because the parents are selfish and care more about their wants and needs than the child's.

Just because one create a child doesn't mean one should.  And just because one creates a child doesn't mean they're doing a good thing to keep it.

These people's actions are deplorable.  Dispicable.  The jeopardy this child is in completly unnecessary.

Shame on them.
 
Replied By: elaines1014 on Aug 25, 2010, 9:54AM - In reply to sha_me
I say, until you've walked in another person's shoes you have alot of nerve judging other's!! What is wrong with you? Obviously you've grown up with 2 loving paren't and you don't realize JUST how fortunate you are!!
 
Replied By: farmhand1 on Aug 25, 2010, 2:22AM - In reply to gturnage
Hi, It's Georgia and I just wanted to say first of all thank you for watching and taking time to give feedback. I am well aware of the pyramid  as I have stayed in a battered womans shelter. I feel as though the circumstances in my marraige got me out of an abusive relationship and the information I received in the shelter kept me out. I feel in some ways that is saved my life. However, the title of the show is BREAKING the Cycle of Abuse. Yes, a cycle is ongoing. I think Dr. Phil wanted to interupt that cycle. Julie has been in touch with our local DVIS. The women there seem to have been very helpful. Julie has been making changes to better her life. I am so proud of her! She is so strong. I applaud the work you, and others like you, do to help women recognize abuse and make the changes in our lives to live without fear. I agree it is a choice. But first we need to know it isn't ok. When we grow up like that we think it the norm. Julie is way younger than me when I finally got out. Therefore Jalie is way younger. Women like Julie, who make choices to make changes necessary to live an emotionally healthy life in spite of the obsticles she has to over come along with learning the coping tools are nothing less than HEROS!!! So again, THANKYOU for the work you do! Here are two women that it has changed. The steps DOWN the pyramid are small at first.But like anything going down hill we usually gain momentum the farther we go. Please keep happy thoughts for my girls!!! Have a great day!
 
Replied By: kathrynb on Aug 23, 2010, 11:24PM
First off. Thanks Dr. Phil for this show on today. I hope a special someone in my family was watching it too. With tears runnin down my face, I watched and remembered my childhood from age 8 to now at 53. Remembering the hurt in my heart that has followed me all these years from a abusive family. Parents that would fight over anything. Hitting, screaming at each other. I use to hide in my bed room closet and cover my ears, and hope and prayer it wouldn't come through my door. But it always did.  I still am fighting my only remaining parent to be free of it. I have tryed many many times to talk about what it did to me, but that person always says her most famous words. Don't put that on me! I have grown children of my own now, who I have managed to spare from this kind of abuse. I promised God that when I had my own husband and children I would never put them through what I had to live with. My remaining parent still loves to torment me, with verbal abuse. A week ago, I said enough and have washed my hands of her. Because of many years of the family fighting, I now suffer from panic anxiety. Have for the last 6 years. Enough is enough. I have a husband and sons who love me and have my back. It's been a really hard road for me. And those old ghosts still haunt me. I think the hurt will always be there. I hope the family on today, open their eyes. It's not to late to change if they really want it. But the ones who started the abuse need to really see what they've done to the younger ones. Was all that abuse worth it? I hope and pray they can make it. And continue to move forward to a happier place. Words cut like a knife, and the wound that's left never stops bleeding. Or can it?
 
Replied By: gturnage on Aug 23, 2010, 4:19PM
I don't like the usage of the "cycle" of violence becasue of this. I am a manager of a Battered Women's Home and the usage of the term "cycle" is like the never ending ring of a marriage ring. Hello... A ring is the symbol of the "enternity" that we are now saying is a "cycle" of a violent situation that you can leave? Mixed Messages.
I teach the Pyramid of Violence. There is a up however, always is there a way out of it and you can step on down the mess. It can get to a top and explode, and yet you can smolder in the middle. You can get out at any time and this visual is so much better then round and round with what I see as No WAY OUT.
Thanks for the oppertunity of this sharing board
G.Turnage
 
Replied By: bkjohnson89 on Aug 23, 2010, 3:26PM
We all have a choice to change. I was abused and told I should write a book but my life is private and I changed. My fathers family cannot believe how I am nothing like my father and not abusive. It is MY choice and These people has an excuse "I was abused!" Please people. WOW come on. CHANGE YOUR LIFE!! YOUR CHOICE!!!!

What can I say. Learn from the past! LEARN!
 
Replied By: b34smn on Aug 23, 2010, 3:14PM
I wanted Dr. Phil to know that positive roll models for this young couple could save them and their baby. They may not know what it looks like to have a constructive conversation, or to show affection and adoration to each other or their baby. When I was a very young mother, I watched my twin sister interact with our 5 children lovingly. Those affections demonstrated to me how wonderful it looks and how happy her babies were, and I wanted that for my babies.

Repeat your wedding vows, remember the promises you made to each other. Think about each word and what they mean. Promise each other never to use the D word again. Divorce isn't the only answer.

"That's all I have to say about that."
 
Replied By: sha_me on Aug 23, 2010, 3:14PM
Why on EARTH do people like this even have babies, let alone keep them?  Why??  Why aren't these folks giving these children up for adoption?  The decision to keep the child epitomizes complete selfishness on behalf the parents / family.  If these people really truly cared about the child, the child would have been put up for adoption. 

It's no wonder the world is going to hell.  It's people who behave like these folks.  Good intentions alone are NOT enough to raise children well or safely.  Shame on you for not putting your child's welfare first.  Shame on you for putting your own selfish desires to have a family / child first, before you're ready to adequately care for her.  Shame on all of you people. 

This young couple...  Get your act together.  Find a constructive way to deal with the darkness and pain inside.  Focus on getting better and healing.  Get a solid life, a career or at least a job you're happy doing.  Become independant.  Then and ONLY then should you consider becoming parents. 

I can't for the life of me believe people like this. 
 
Replied By: jessicai07 on Aug 23, 2010, 2:53PM
I am 21 years old & I can honestly relate to this show. I was like John, I was no saint & in a sense did push my future ex-husband's buttons, but I never deserved how I was treated. John doesn't deserve it either but he doesn't need to be pushing Julie the way he does. I  was married for a year and a half to a man who treated me like I was a rag-doll. I was choked until I passed out & quit breathing; I was subjected  all forms of abuse from him. Meanwhile, I had no help from his family in getting him some sort of help or to help him realize what he was doing. They simply lived in fear of him & pretty much said "You're on your own!"  I left him & from the minute I was gone I felt as though a weight was taken off of my shoulders. We had some of the most horrible fights ever. He was jealous of anyone or anything. Yes, anything. Animals included. I was not allowed to have friends unless he "approved", I was not allowed to speak to my family, I couldn't have pets because he feared I would "love them more than I would him". I lived in a nightmare for 2 years of my life & I pray that John & Julie can find some common ground  & get help for the both of them. If it can't work, don't try to make it work. I just pray they get to a more peaceful decision whatever they do for at least their daughter. May God be with them.
 
Replied By: petey73 on Aug 23, 2010, 2:38PM
As far as abuse goes.  Its not a cycle.  Its a choice.  I along with my mother was abused by my father.  I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused.  Along with being neglected afterwards.  My father whom is a Vietnam Vet.  Which I hold Vietnam Vets with a high regard.  My father was severely wounded 6 to 7 years before I was born.  One story says he was shot in the forehead.  The other story says that shrapnel went through his forehead.  Either way it doesn't matter.  The results were the same. He ended up in a coma .  Was shipped to Japan for like 6 months.  Came out of the coma.  Then had to learn how to do things all over again.  The only way you would know is by the scar that runs from behind one ear.  It goes up around his forehead and back down behind the other ear.  He was very short tempered.  Much like a ticking time bomb.  You never would know what would set it off.  I dealt with his physical abuse until I was 9.  The emotional and verbal lasted till I was 23.  Thats when I cut all ties with him back in late Apr 1997.  I was choked.  I had a wooden spoon broken across one of my cheeks. I was told that the wall behind me would be completely red before he was done with me.  It's a beautiful day to die.  Thats just a few things.  However.  I made the choice to not go down the same path.  I took the hard road.  Which was I made my own road.  My son will never know of this.  All my son will know about his grandfather is that he was a brave soldier.  Whom had a tragic misfortune.  I have been married for 8 years.  In those 8 years I never once even jokingly raised my hand to my wife.  Why?  Because its a choice!!!!  What makes all of this even better is this.  When I am at work or off work and walking the floor shopping.  When I see someone whom I know and their children are wih them.  I show their kids either one of the following.  Love, attention or affection.  Why?  Because I made the choice that I would do anything necessary to make sure that the cycle of abuse ended with me! Stop using the excuse of well I was abused.  I can only hope after someone reads this that they make a choice!!!
 
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