Wow I bet this is something you will never be able to fully recover from.  Your own child!  I am not a mom but I live with my gf and her teen daughter, 16, in fact who has depression and anixety.  I worry about her sometimes.  She doesn't do any homework.   She seems sad.  She refuses to go to any form of therapy and when she talks to her family doc she is evasive...

Are you or did your recieve treatment to deal with your loss?  Do you have lots of friend/ family support?

Very sorry for your loss! 

Actually, my kids are like the rest of the world.  They see in me the same thing - whatever it is about me that makes me it impossible to have respect for me.  I just don't command it, although I treat other with respect, or so I think.  It must seem like respect to me and others see it as wimpiness or something.  Anyway, my children have no respect for me.  If they have problems, they will take anyone's advice over mine, even though I've been through it all and know quite a bit about life.  It's heartbreaking for me to hear my kids talk to me.  I guess they've been watching other people all these years.  So no, they don't need me.  Even though they wouldn't prefer that I die, they would be perfectly fine.

I can understand where you're coming from because my daughter killed herself. The same with knowing what akinslow and even soonobody. Sometimes as much as I and others would like to take another's burden away I know from experience I can't. The best I can do is share with others the thoughts about subjects. One thing I seen was support groups which give some hope of others that might better understand similar problems better than those that never went through the same thing. I know after my daughter's suicide I went to a few meetings of SOS (Survivors Of Suicide). I have had some friends go to groups like AA and the thing I liked about them was they gave them sponsors to turn to to help get them orientated with the initial phase of the program. My daughter left behind five journals plus I have letters from her and her deceased mother that I have been putting together with my input where I fit in. So in a way I've relived these experiences over and over again. She had been suicidal for seven years and I can understand how it has to be harder for you after an attempt at taking your own life. It's like nobody sees you as a human being struggling to sort out the craziness going on in your mind. It wasn't till about a year and a half before she ended her life that I woke up to the fact that I too was doing what others were doing. That's when I intentionally set out to earn her trust and respect. I figure that I was her father and it was up to me to be the one person in the world to be there strictly for her. That includes doing my best of not expecting her to do what I wanted her to do but what was only best for her. I bring this up because her death sort of put me where she was at with her emotions and feelings. It's like I couldn't trust or respect anybody to share my thoughts and feelings anymore. I ended up turning inward probably like all of you do also. One of the things I personally like doing is writing my thoughts down in notebooks. For me this gives me a chance to look at them and feel free because the paper has never offered me sympathy or told me how to fix myself. Sometime I glance what I wrote previously and it's almost like looking at it written down gets me to thinking in a different way. For instance I was in a restaurant once where there were artificial flowers on the table. I wrote what is it about the pain I feel seems to be like those artificial flowers. If they were real cut flowers at least they'd have to be in a vase with water in it that would have to be checked. Maybe the artificial flowers don't serve a purpose like real flowers. Then I went on to that's what I miss about my daughter. If that wasn't the reason why don't we have people stuffed like they do with animals and keep them around. I miss the purpose my daughter was to me. For me this gave me time to share my thoughts with myself and with time I kind of think miracles get a chance to sneak into our lives when we're ready for them. I wish I could add more for all of you cause I sure know the pain and frustration that goes with this.
Peace

i am "oogeyfeet" and i am the one who wrote about the unethical doctor treatment on the msg bd.  does anyone have any advice for me.  i am not computer savvy so i dont even know if i am checking the msg bds correctly, but i dont see any replies.  could someone reach out and reply to me - please!!
and in reference to the msg entitled "such a hard topic", i am so sorry you lost your friend.  i had imagined what some people around me might feel the same way.  but i feel i know the emotional dilemma your friend must have gone through before taking her own life.  believe me it is not easy.  but i feel for you, and i pray you can go on with the fond memories of wonderful times (and bad times) you both had and that will keep you going.  i can assure you that your friend did not come upon this action easily.

My best friend for the past 10years recently committed suicide. It is so hard to get over because we were so close...anything and everything reminds me of her. My kids...she was there God mother and there for there births, our birthdays are 2 days apart and we always celebrated together, songs, t.v shows everything. Im trying to get past it and i find myself crying myself to sleep almost everyday.  I feel the pain of family whom have had someone taken due to suicide. I think i have a hard time because there was no goodbye, no note, no nothing.  She was happy and seemed to be doing very well. I wish i could help her parent ( they were like my 2nd family) they arent doing to good...if anyone has any advice please let me know. Thank you 

Last month I attempted to kill myself but i was taken to the emergency room, treated for the physical results of my attempt, and placed on 24 hour watch for 4 days.  While I was in the hospital, a Psychiatrist visited me and, after some discussion, I was put on Prozac and Suboxen.  The Suboxen is to help me with the withdrawal I have from abusing prescription pain killers for over 10 years.  When I was discharged after 12 days, I was given instruction to see the Psychiatrist within 2 weeks.  However, I could not get an appointment until October.  Meanwhile, the prescriptions had no refills and the Suboxen is supposed to be monitored closely.  After several more calls to his office with no results for an earlier appointment, I called the drug addiction specialist from the hospital who came to my bedside, was very comforting, and gave me her card saying I could call anytime.  Well, when I called she said she couldn't help me.  She recommended 2 other Suboxen/Psychiatrists who might have an earlier appointment.  I felt like I was dropped like a hot potato.  Everyone I called had no appts. until around October.  I kept calling and finally I was told that the doctor could see me a week and a half after this last call but it would cost me $375.00 plus the cost of the medicine which is very expensive.  I was shocked.  Who could afford that kind of money in one visit?!  I have since found a doctor who could take me and his cost was a little less, yet still alot of money.  I feel that this was unconscienable behavior on behalf of the doctor who treated me in the hospital.  After all, I wasnt calling for an appt for just a slight injury to a routine doctor visit.  My goodness, I want to kill myself!!!  How can he put a patient on medication and then not be able to see that person for months later?  I needed help, and I needed it bad.  I still do.  There was no confrontations between us at the hospital.  The discussion was just fine.  How can he just drop me like that?  I sat for days at home calling him and an endless list of other Psychiatrists.  It made me even more depressed and scared because I felt I had no one to turn to.  I cried and cried I was so down and out.  How could someone do this to someone who wants to kill themselves?  The doctor I now have saw me for 20 minutes at the most, gave me new prescriptions, and told me to see him again in a week, costing me yet more money.  I want to lash out at the first doctor because of his behavior.  I think it was unethical.  I am feeling very said and depressed, and scared.

People hate a behavior, not the person with the behavior. You're going to do what ever you're going to do but it seems to me you found a comfort zone where you're at. Cold hard facts about life is that we share it together and it's up to us as individuals to do something with their own lives so they can have something to share with others. People walking all over others is the problem of those they walk all over. It's called enabling. We enable others behaviors which is an internal problem. And I am the wrong person to communicate with about not having friends. I appreciate solitude. Watch Dr. Phil more to see how very few people get along so maybe you think not having friends is a problem, but I think it's a blessing. Without friends I found it easier to become my own best friend. Of course that seems to be something you don't want to do, right? I love being alone but I haver one daughter left. She's older and has two boys that are close to graduating from high school. Like it or not I'm her father for as long as I live. I'm the one that has to be there for her when nobody else is. That's not predictable when I have to be there for her nor is how I have to be there for her. I just have to be the one person on this earth that won't let her down and do my best to pick her up and put her on her feet again. Like it or not you have to do the same thing for your children. That's what life's about. Our children give us a purpose that maybe we'll never understand. It's like giving all one's got to give then going inside ourselves and looking for more to give. Do you honestly think you don't matter to your children?

Do you really think I haven't sat down, like a million times and weighed the pros and cons?  Don't you think I've tried to find something that I enjoy, or might enjoy?  I'm not good at anything!  Everyone walks all over me, because I'm a doormat and can't change - I've been trying for over 30 years!!!!  Nothing is fun and nothing sounds fun.  I hate everything and I don't have a single (literally, not ONE) friend.  My children might love me, but they certainly don't like me much, or have any respect for me.  What have I got to lose?  Believe me, there isn't anything any of you can say or ask that I haven't already thought of.  I do nothing except think about why I have to live.  I've been doing it for years.  Starting in early elementary school I was a loner and nothing has changed.  I would try the paper-folding thing, but I know what results I would get - and they wouldn't be good.  Thanks anyway, but you don't know me (or you wouldn't like me, either).

Why do you want to be dead?  Did something happen, not happen?  Can you tie your depression to an event?  I know what it is like to be in a deep dark depression and trying to muster the energy to live when death is so much easier and entising.  I know that I had no hope and could not remember what it felt like to be alive or to be happy to be alive.  I fought every second of every day to stay alive and lived only because I believe that if I commit suicide I will be forced to return to this same miserable existance called my life.  If endured life long abuse at the hand of my whole family and husband.  I had no energy left to live and only lived because I refuse to relive this hell.  You are screwing your children up for life if you end yours.  A very good friend of mine commited suicide the day after our last conversation.  I knew he didn't sound right so I asked him if he was considering doing something stupid.  He replied, "what like commit suicide?" I said yes.  He told me I was rediculous that he would never ever do that.  He lied and I blame myself to this day for not doing something to stop him..  DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN, DON'T.  Your death will screw them up for life, you have to care about them.  Just don't screw up your children.  If I can live truly without any family that cares you can live for your family that cares.  You think you don't matter but the only one you don't matter to is YOU!  Dont do it! Please don't.  Care about your children if no one else.  You may not matter to you but your children should matter to you still.  Please hang in there and fight to heal for your children.

So my daughter committed suicide in 1984. She left behind five journals writing how she seen life plus she had made attempts for seven years. My father died the year before and she had made a point that she hoped nobody seen her in a casket. So the casket was closed. The funeral home had placed it in a small room thinking there wouldn't be to many people. Amazingly they had to open up the whole place because of the over flow of people. The real corker was that she wrote poetry and that was displayed around the place. To this day I still remember all the people reading the poetry and saying they didn't know.
You're kidding yourself if you think ending your life doesn't affect others, especially your children. For as long as they live they'll have something like that on their minds. It'll never go away. The best anyone left behind can do is to readjust to life. They won't even be able to talk to anyone cause all they'll hear is sympathetic gestures and ways to fix themselves. Suicides puts them in a prison like you're in right now.
I let a recovering alcoholic sleep in my shop's office once. He'd go to AA meetings and then people would start calling. One night when he wasn't there a woman called. After a little conversation she let me know she was going to kill herself. I asked how. She had some pills. I asked how many and after she answered I told her about my daughter and her many attempts. I added I didn't think she had enough pills, which if it didn't work she'd end up making life worse. Then she said I was only trying to get in her pants. My reply was wouldn't that be better than killing herself. So wouldn't the flirting be better than taking a chance on damaging your own life and those left behind.
Sometimes the road to heaven goes through hell. I kind of think it's not a good idea to use super glue on the pity pot. Life is a matter of learning to use your own mind or it uses you. It's strictly a matter of choice. Even if you unsuccessfully make an attempt at ending your own life malfunctioning thoughts won't help. We share life together so if you plan on ending your life at least put some effort into making yourself somebody that those left behind will have some good that you made of yourself to remember you by.
What I always have a hard time understanding is how come you never sat down by yourself and looked at what you like in life. In today's society it's easy enough to get sucked into what we don't like in life cause that's all we ever hear about. Don't you have any dreams of what just you alone would like to do? Are you creative? Stuff like that fills the mind with better ways to energize oneself instead of how unnecessary one is in life. Think about becoming necessary to yourself for a change instead of thinking you have to be necessary to others.
Do yourself a favor and take a piece of paper and fold it in half length wise. Then start writing all the reasons you want to end your life. When your done with that on the other half write all the reasons you would want to live for, even if you got to fake it. Then open the paper up and look it over asking yourself which you enjoy reading the most. Doing this enough has a way of changing our thoughts from the doom and gloom to little by little enjoying whatever life there's left, whether it ends naturally or unnaturally.