June 2, 2017
Latest Entry: Feeling so tired of life
wondering why god has put me on this earth to only suffer pain from so many from birth to not now continue to suffer with chronic pain I feel as if I'm here to be a punching bag for my family and other people
May 25, 2017
Latest Entry: Need help
I have written over a dozen times, please help me and my son.
May 22, 2017
Latest Entry: Breast implant Issues
Are there any women suffering from issues related to their implants?



Anyone diagnoised with any type of ALCL related to their implants? 



Anyone think they may have this (ALCL) Primary or Systemic?



Anyone having trouble talking to their physicians about this issue?


May 19, 2017
Latest Entry: Heart strings torn by drug induced son
I know its an old subject.

Families with drug problems. But here I am wondering what exactly I did wrong. My son for the first time in 37 years hit me. It wasnt a tap, as his fist landed against my temple, I looked in his eyes and thought he is trying to kill me. Saying that he wanted to do this since he was 8, wishing that he had for it might not have dropped me like he did. Wondering how anger could have escalated to that degree in such a short time. Laughing and joking around a short week before. I was always there when he needed me, and this time not. Because he threatened to kill me and tried to with that one punch. Then the story comes around the block that I pulled a gun and that is why he hit me. My one and only child, now severed from my life like an amputee looses a limb. I have been removed as his mother, and now my grandchildren are not to be a part of my life. I cry , I yell and there is nothing I feel I can do.

Any words of insight would be appreciated. 
May 19, 2017
Latest Entry: Entry Title
how do you escape.......      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me .

I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape.

The horror is in my mind

My memories how do you conquer your memories

How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are

It is like like trying to run with no legs

or swim with no limbs.

The feeling of slowly being unable to breath

but yet there is no end

it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end

how long do you run

is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die

HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

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how do u know      

Ever wonder what makes you try day after day  

When life seems to question your existence

Deeo down you question yourself and look for a purpose

You ask yourself why is it i continue to fight

When it seems so easy to quit and make it right

They say everyone has purpose  

yet mine seems to be to prove that one can live through it all

How do you know when your turn should be over

How do you know when to walk to the light

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and again ii get it      

i watched that episode and all i could think was how lucky those girls are to get the help . i wish dr phil would read just one of my emails but i get how many people are in this world just like me . These4 shows are good for me to watch because it shows me i do have more control over my world tyhen i think i do .I am a victime and a victor a survivor and yes maybe an addict ....I do not do heroine like those girls do mine is prescribed but i dont know how i would deal with my body pain without it ....i was raped from the time i was 6 to the time i was 14 when my brother my abuser finally killed himself . my father killed himself does it come to mind of course it does every single day .   Since i had been physically abused by a mom with issues of her own she was not my ear of choice to stop the rapes actually there was no ear of choice i told no one . Therefore now i sit i am 48 years old i have flash backs when i sleep horribly of my youth ....I get why these girls did heroine but i dont i believe it is not one drug addicts position to judge anothers . Everyones hell is there own . Mine is to fight my own urges and to stay in a postion daily that makes me at least not hurt physically and be able to walk and function ...My abuse caused me to get fibromyalgia i have it severe ii take two different kinds of oxy and a cocktail of happy pills to keep me off the bridge ...i am not writing this as a sob story pity i have no time or need for i am writing it so people will realize sometimes when the world has you from such a young age and you can scream and no one hears you you look foor something in yourself to calm the voices .Maybe thats the bigest problem with addictions is it DOES CALM THE VOICES

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how do u get rid of memories that haunt you      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me . I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape. The horror is in my mind My memories how do you conquer your memories How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are It is like like trying to run with no legs or swim with no limbs. The feeling of slowly being unable to breath but yet there is no end it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end how long do you run is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

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WINTER BLUES      

It is so hard sometimes to be stranded in doors as it is to darn cold to go outside ...i had myself convinced that i would finish my book this winter but somedays it is almost as though i am afraid of it ...i really need to go line to line and redo the so much .......would be so much easier to work with someone else but ....i know i am doing this alone

Ever feel like you are yelling at the world but no one can hear you ....here i am writing on a site for one of the most famous shrinks and no one hears me

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why      

evevr wonder why why you should bother

why even try why do we even attempt to stay alive

=================================================================

talking to myselfta      

a kabillion people on the internet andi am talking to myself

i need to find a    way to get mysel an editor so i can get this book   going

i waant to be able tohelp others who feel like me others who have been threw and feel as unwanted as i do

somedays its  like i am all alone in this world

me and my memories

if i could have one wish before my day comes i would love to be able to have dr phil sit with me and help me sort out my memories

my book  will   bee called domented family values

i think that explains it best

mom called and its like i have helped her get her answers for why y dad cheated on her

yet she wont help me

her perfect boy was a monster  period

----its time      

i have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to go ahead and write my story even though my mom has made it clear how much she seems to think i should not ever tell anyone about what happened it is just not fair

she is just being selfish she is embarrassed i have to heal from this i have to be able to go on

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why      

why do ii even tryto carry on when it isobvious

i am my onlyone who cares

no wonder my onever saw the 14 years of sexual abuse i wet threw i my

ownhome she sees oly what she wants to see

she doesnnt careabout me

i never told her i was being abused cause i ould not

count on the fact she would protect me

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alone      

i have always felt so alone in thiss world

yesterday i told my mom i wanted to die

and get aload of thisshe doesnt even call

to see if i am ok today

as a mom myself i cant understand the

selfishness .......i need to get my head straight

i hadd hoped she would be more  helpful i

should of known better

you people are all i can tell

and i dont think anyone reads this either

how long could i be deadd before someone noticed

likelly a longg time

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

bad day      

i had a horrible brain day today

felt like i could jump off a bridge but i

try so hard to pull myself together

my mom minimized my feelings from my

abuse she doesnt understand why i

didnt tell her after the first rape

she just blames me for not saying

anything ... when i try to talk to her she

tells me to put it in a bubble and blow it away .

she just doesnt get it

why it seems to mean so much to me fro her to i do not know

all that seems to matter to her is that i tell

knowone about the abuse that she never saw in her own house

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i need to scream to all the world      

why is it when i told my mom that i had been abused for all those years by my brother  

her comment was it was fault for any abuse after the first time because i never told her and now she says i best not write a book tell anyone

i should put my memory in a bubble and blow it away and stop dwelling on it .......i cant get past this if i dont get it out .......its been too many years it has run my world  but i dont want her to hurt anymore either ........

we had such a horrible life my dad killed himself then later my brother did too the useless piece of crap i told him too ....i wish i could tell everyone somedays

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my memories      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me . I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape. The horror is in my mind My memories how do you conquer your memories How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are It is like like trying to run with no legs or swim with no limbs. The feeling of slowly being unable to breath but yet there is no end it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end how long do you run is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever wonder      

Ever wonder what makes you try day after day  

When life seems to question your existence

Deeo down you question yourself and look for a purpose

You ask yourself why is it i continue to fight

When it seems so easy to quit and make it right

They say everyone has purpose  

yet mine seems to be to prove that one can live through it all

How do you know when your turn should be over

How do you know when to walk to the light

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HERE I SIT      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me .

I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape.

The horror is in my mind

My memories how do you conquer your memories

How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are

It is like like trying to run with no legs

or swim with no limbs.

The feeling of slowly being unable to breath

but yet there is no end

it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end

how long do you run

is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die

HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES







May 18, 2017
Latest Entry: My Parents Nasty Divorce That Sucked Away My Mental Well Being
I am very horrible about putting myself down. I do it everyday and I cannot control it. I have bad anxiety and my past literally haunts me. I was bullied & cyberbullied to the point I almost ended it. I have a hard time coping because I grew up in a home where everything was drunken hell. We were verbally abused and my dad doesn't remember being that way. Years later, my mom was starting to mess around on my dad and I was dragged into it-again. I was always dragged into my parents problems I never got to be a kid, because of them (not,using as excuse because your parents are suppose to pay for your homeschool if they CHOSE to pull you out) I lost all my homeschooling and they were both to selfish to help their only girl. Not only that, I left with my mom when she filed for divorce because I was so scared of my dad and past experiences with trying to leave (he chained up our cars and block us in). My mom met with her side lover the same day we left!!! She didn't care of my hurt and fear! We drove three hours from home to her sisters, I wasn't allowed to talk to my dad and she put a restraining order on my dad and sais those things. Then the next day,  she dropped my cousins and I off at the mall so I could relax and not have so much hurt (16 at the time) and she told us to call her when we're ready. We sat there calling/texting her for hours and finally my aunt picked us up. When we were leaving the mall I saw my mom's car sitting in the parking lot with all my belongings and medication THAT IS MY LIFE SUPPORT because I have autoimmune diseases. My mom finally snuck in my aunt's house at 3am like she was a teenager again and she was mad at me for being upset with her. Long story short I moved in with my dad and then he turned me into his maid(cooked, cleaned, paid bills, etc), verbally abused me, called me unforgettable names, and then kicked me out at 17 for a woman. My self worth is gone. I ask myself why everyday. Why couldn't I be better? Why couldn't I have not been born? Why don't they think of me? Why am I so worthless? Why don't my parents love me like I love them, even after all this, I still love them? Why is my heart so big it just gets me into hurtful situations and I'm just sensitive. I have no friends or family anymore now. My life has fallen apart and I have no guidance or role models. I need help. I have no friends or blood family who care because of them.I have a lot of hurt still that you can't get over
May 13, 2017
Latest Entry: ********* PLS LOOKING FOR GUIDENCE/HELP*********
Hi, I'm looking for some guidance/help. I'm 35 yr old teacher now on disability, and I would like to tell my path and journey, to maybe help and inspire people. I DO NOT WANT TO MAKE $ in any way or ask for donations. I want it to be a personal life experience that people can relate to and seek help.
Dr.phil & my family has inspired me do to this. Dr.phil says " all of his guests are a teaching tool" That's what my path is now, and has been for the last 3 years. I don't have an organization or big fancy technical gadgets ( like my kids). but I HAVE A BIG HEART AND ALOT TO SAY AND GIVE. Words go along way. I know. Quickly came back from and still with ( sober 3 years now and my life is not based ALL on addiction by any means it's based on life ). Abusive alcoholic father , cocaine,alcohol,homelessness, extreme family loss, university graduate, father, teacher, husband, and Now strong, but need to share and need people to share with me on a wider scale. HELP ME HELP OTHERS. IVAN DUDRA ORILLIA, ONATRAIO CANADA. God bless. theuke80@gmail.com.
May 12, 2017
Latest Entry: Hello Everybody
Just wanting to stop in and say Hello.


My last job was US Army-so I am going to BLUNT and BRUTALLY honest so that means NO sugarcoating.  Not a talkshow host, but I have got alot of opinions about things and right now, not afraid to state them cause I am a survivor!






What do you want to know?  I'm not afraid to answer, but just don't get too personal or foolish in what you ask please.



Basic info:



Army Veteran



Engaged



Domestic and Child Abuse survivor



Somewhat opinionated



and some of Dr. Phil's guests...man oh man I'd love meeting them and 'helping' change their attitudes.
May 12, 2017
Latest Entry: Dr.Phil@Dr.Phil.com
Hello Dr. PHIL, I LIKE YOUR SHOW and also has some helpful information.
I don't mean to bother you, I'm sure you are busy. I have sent you several emails about my situation and asking for help. I know there are others that are worse off then me.:( You are my last resort. Do you possibly know a law professional that can help me?
Thank you for your time
Have a good day!
May 12, 2017
Latest Entry: My Story and Struggle With Mental Illness
I have been watching Dr. Phill for years, ever since my mother got me into watching it. i am currently 18 years old ut have been through quite alot, i was diagnosed bipolar at the age of six my mother told me when i got older that i would throw these temper tantrums for no reason. I am very thankful that i have a mother that did not hesitate to get me help because im pretty positive that if i never got help i would possibly have ended up dead. As i got older i struggled making friends and keeping them, I am a very social, happy, chatty person ever since i was a young kid. As a kid i was diagnosed not only bipolar but also had/have ADHA which made it hard for me to concentrate in school and most of the time i was to much to handle, and i was so in my own world and thought i controlled everything that nobody wanted to be friends with me. As a child i never lived in one place my mother was a radiology tech. and had a constant moving job. So ive lived all over the place born in Long Island and i do not know the exact order but i moved to conneticut, Colorado, Georgia, Florida, Pennsylvania, Staten Island, and Brooklyn. So making friends was not only hard because of my inability to focus but also from the excessive amount of times i had moved. Att the age of 8 we had moved to Brooklyn, my parents never really got along so my father wound up asking for a divorce causing me anger, anxiety, depression, and because i was so young i was so confused and was incapable of fully understanding what was happening at the moment, not knowing how major of an effect it was going to have on me and my mothers life. my mother is my world if it wasnt for her i dont know what would have been, me and my mother then got an apartment in Long Island and shortly after that moved to Staten Island where my mothers bestfriend lived. She has 3 kids i will not disclose their names out of privacy reasons but at the time her oldest son was 14, 2nd oldest was her daughter age 12, and third was her daughter the same age as me which was 9. They deffidently helped me and my mother out a ton, my mother still worked in Long Island so she needed someone to take me to school, pick me up from school, and watch me till she got home from work which her oldest daughter offered to do. We then moved about a year later to Brooklyn with my grandmother which was not thrilled about the idea since they did not like my father from the start and did not get the approval for my mother to marry him. anyways im blabbing, when i moved to Brooklyn things were not the best my grandfather had just passed away, my father was dating the women he cheated on my mother with, my aunt and mother were not getting along, we were sleeping in a 10 by 10 room and my mother would sleep on the floor and to this day i feel so bad about what my mother has been through. I was so young that i wasnt even able to help her or support her or tell her evrything will be okay because her world was clapsing. I ended up being severly bullied in the first school i was in from the end of 4th grade to the beginning of 7th. I practicly drove myself crazy not understanding what was wrong with me. I was unable to sleep alone, had horrible anxiety which made my ADHD 10x worse because my mind was all over the place, i struggled horribly in elementary school and middle school because i was unable to comprehend what i was reading and keep up with the amount of school work causing me a great amount of stress. I had finally realized at the age of 12 that i started doing these little prayer things in my head over and over again which was driving me crazy and i was always counting. One day i came out and told my mom about these prayers and i wrote them all down on a piece of paper and she instantly brought me to get help, i then saw a psychiatrist and therapist being diagnosed with bipolar, depression, ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and borderline personality but BPD was more recent in the past year/year and a half since they try not to diagnose anyone with it untill they are over 18. i then started ripping my hair out of my head and having freak outs that i was admitted in a psychiatric ward in Long Island called south oaks for a month then after a week of being out i was placed right back into a different hospital in brooklyn called brookdale hospital whcih in my opinion is a HORRIBLE hospital to ever go too, after 2 months i came out for a week and went right back in a week later. i then got placed in an alternative middle school in the south bronx for the end of the 7thgrade and all of 8th grade, one day i came home at around the end of 7th grade and told my mother i can not be here anymore i need to be in a regular school. my mother then realized that i finally snapped out of what ever state of mind i was in for 2 years, i started highschool in brookyln and made a few mistakes through out it from my horrible impusion but i made it out graduating 6 months early from highschool and just finsihed my first semester of college, I do currently suffer still from my bipolar i am on medication to control my moods and anxiety which is zoloft, lamictal, and attarax, i still have my mood swings from being maic to depressed but they are not as rappid nor as frequent as they were. in the past 4 months that i have been in college it was a transition and very stressful, since i came into college in the middle of the school year it was yet again hard to make friends since everyone already had their groups of people, also the amount of work stressed me out. i made a mistake by getting involved with a guy which i should not have, i still do not know myself and am still trying to find myself, i feel the need to need people for comfort. i still currently struggle from manic episodes and depression, my anixety is very hard to control even with medication my heart feels like it is racing a hundred miles an hour and my mind but im sitting down. i have stolen from stores a few times out of impulse, ive gotten involved in guys off of impulse in the past year. I do have one friend that has never left my side and accepts me for who i am whcih is my bestfriend i have known for 2 years. she is the only person besides my mother that knows me like the back of her hand and csn tell when im being impulsive, anxious, depressed, manic, and getting involved with the wrong kinds of people. she keeps me straight i keep her straight we are the dynamic duo, i am also a psych. major in college since i love learning about mental illness and what happens in my own brain and others around me since it may help me understand others more and be less judgemental and be a more positive person.
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