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July 5, 2015
Latest Entry: I can't be proud of living this life
If I live to be 80 I won't be proud of it.  I've been violated all my life and my parents are responsible.  They let others get at me.  And my older brother.  I don't even have my memories because it was all lies.
July 4, 2015
Latest Entry: Sexual abuse
I am almost 52. I watched a show about a girl being abused by her dad from early till he went to jail.  My point is to say thank you to Dr Phil. He talked about arrested development. I have knowledge now of what is wrong with me. When he said she had been groomed by her dad, I was stunned. The way it happened to her was like me. I kept waiting for him to yell or tell her what a rotten person she was, and instead he explained about the brain stopping developing. I have to work on forgiving the child of me and working on the addictions to porn/cigarettes that I have carried since 12. This wasnt my dad, my dad was a drunk. This was my best friends dad. I felt responsible to keep him from cheating on his wife. I loved the affection/love I got from them(rest of family). I now know it was wrong and I need to grow my brain. Aty age after all this time. Thank you
July 4, 2015
Latest Entry: So overwhelmed!
A lot has happened over the last 2 months. A bit of background on me is I'm 32 and have a plethora of issues, medical and mental. Two months ago, the metaphorical band-aid was ripped off an old wound. In high school and college, I was raped. Yes, I went through the hell twice! I'd basically buried it all by working by butt off and doing anything I could to stay busy. My medical issues kind of put an end to all of that. I've had chronic daily migraines for 19 years. There are multiple types of migraines, and I have a bunch of them. The doctors can't find the right treatment plan. Two months ago, I ended up in the ER for my head for about the 16th time in the last 18 months. This time, though, they decided to do a psych eval - as painful as it was mentally, I'm glad they did! I have post-onset PTSD, depression and anxiety on top of my physical issues. I go to therapy every week, and I can't believe how helpful it is! I've always been an advocate for therapy, but to go through it myself is another thing. We're working on finding the right meds to use in conjunction with therapy. I've also finally told my family exactly what's going on, and I can't believe how supportive they are. It also helps to write - I keep a journal. There are just so many things going through my mind right now!
July 2, 2015
Latest Entry: What is the meaning of our tragedies?
What is life to you? Is it easy? Is it hard? Challenging?

Life for me has been unusually rough, sprinkled with great things. I think it's the great things that keep me going.

I have four wonderful and beautiful children and a new amazing grandson that I am so thankful for. 

I had a very rough childhood. Abusive parents and raped at the age of eight by a neighbor.

I was sodomized at 15, bullied throughout Jr High and High School.

My first husband physically abused me in ways that would make some Hollywood movies appear tame...I left the night after he chased me around the house with a butcher knife threatening to kill me.

Now, I am married to a porn addict. A man who stares at other women, teens...and very young teens even with me sitting next to him. I watch him sexualize and objectify women to the point I feel the bile in my stomach start to rise and I gag or dry heave until I am exhausted. I go to bed with him at night feeling so lonely and many nights I have quietly sobbed myself to sleep, or taken Xanax and or drank to fall asleep faster. We no longer have sex...that stopped when for the third year in a row the only way he could have sex with me was if he couldn't see my face, or could demean me in some way. The intimacy was gone, the love is gone, I refuse to settle for anything less.

How did I end up here? How did I end up like this?

I wondered why I went from abuse to abuse and in counseling I found that we do this because we don't even see it. It seems so normal to us after a while that we enter the relationships blindly, never seeing it for what it is until it is too late.

This blog isn't only about the abuse I have survived and am still surviving, it's a way to just get it out. In the process if any of you have been through any of the same things as I have, I invite you to share. I invite you onto my blog to laugh with me, cry with me and to support eachother. 

I have been told life is a bed of roses, but you now what...I have always hated roses.





July 2, 2015
Latest Entry: Mother of the year turned stalker
I was just watching this episode, not sure when it aired, it was about a woman who was outbit over a house, she didn't get the house so she stalked the people who did, anyway my comment has nothing to dpo with the show, I just noticed Dr.Phil wasn't wearing his wedding ring, I wonder why? He and Robin aren't having problems are they?

July 1, 2015
Latest Entry: Still surviving...
I watched the repeat today that was inspiring with Mrs. Robin's efforts and the amazing responses of University's and College's around the country...  I have written a few times before as to my survival of far too many 'relationships' and 'marraiges'... But I can say that as of July 1st, 2015, will be my 10th anniversary of escaping the LAST sociopath... fear of the unknown when a woman (or a man) who has lived in that type of atmosphere all her life is excrutiating... but I did it with the help of my daughter and doctor and therapist at the local DV organization (Catalyst). After ten years my therapist and I are still amazed where my life has turned and the fact that it's been ten years.


And yes, I am still slowly but surely working on my book (it may take two :) ) Being that the subject matter creates huge triggers for me, that is why it has taken time...  I am incredibly grateful that my doctor helped so much through it all, yes I am on medications but I am blessed because they give me the strength to actually get out of my home to do things (nothing too extreme of course)... I am diagnosed with agoraphobia and severe PTSD... but I am alive.. and survived, both the abuse and near-cancer (caught it just in time, six more months would have been much different) all the while living with the crazy sociopath as a hostage, for lack of a better term...  and I am not so naive, but I had known this man for six years before we began living together... 


Anyway, I want to celebrate this anniversary with all other survivors, as my therapist does too... I am blessed and grateful. Thank you for the repeat of today's show... those type always require a few tissues.. and Mrs. McGraw, there are not enough positive adjectives and accolades to express how you have become such a champion for the cause... 


Yes I have written before, five or six times, but it's all about the same issue... THAT I AM A SURVIVOR OF DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL ABUSE SINCE BEFORE THE AGE OF TEN...  Happy anniversary to me!! peace and much love, sincerely... 
July 1, 2015
Latest Entry: I wrote this a few weeks ago to describe how I felt. I just two days ago sent it to the person who it is written about. If you'd like to know how he responded message me.
I'm not sure how to feel So many ideas  Are running though my head They're driving me crazy... Save me... Please What are we? Are we still together? If so why are you ignoring me? Are you trying to get me to end it Did I do something wrong? Were all of your feelings A......lie? Did you ever care? Are they right? Do you hear the whispers? They scream for you  Like the way my heart aches  For you, and only you Was this all some sort of joke for you? Are you enjoying this? Do you like hurting me? Does it take away from your own pain? Do you even realize what you're doing to me? Do you even care? Am I alone in this fight? Will you stand with me? Or have you already checked out? I need to know If so, then tell me so I can go though the heart break and slowly start to get over it  Stop giving me false hope It's not helping anyone ....I just need a hug But no one else's will ever measure up to yours They are comforting and calming They give me peace But not the lack there of gives me heartache  Will you ever realize what you've done to me? I'm hurting and you don't care You never did care  It was all an illusion  An extremely selfish illusion So you could get what you wanted from me Then leave and take my heart with you But that's not you  You're loving and caring It's like you're two completely different people I love one of you but can't stand the other side What did I do to make this side come out? Did I hurt you? Is it my fault, more so than yours? Are we just not meant to be? Alright I'll let you talk now I've talked for far to long it's time for you to get your opinions out it can't be as bad as I've made it in my head  Or is it?  Please just talk to me  Explain your feelings If you want to leave I understand  I just want to know why  So I never make the same mistakes all over again Thank you for your time  Even though you'll never read this... 
July 1, 2015
Latest Entry: Just can't get over hubby's affair.........help....
it
June 29, 2015
Latest Entry: GUN CONTROL
When will Dr. Phil talk about GUN CONTROL? There have been at least two shows the issue could have come up or came up BUT Dr. Phil skirts around the issue. The rest of the free world often shake their heads at the USA when yet another shooting occurs that would have been prevented if only just a tiny amount of control was enforced.

There is a saying outside the USA. "Only in America".
June 29, 2015
Latest Entry: So many issue - feeling discourage!
I feel like I am a good person, I feel like I was dealt a bit of a bad hand! I am adopted- lost my adoptive father a few year ago, he was my everything, at same time I was dealing with ovarian cancer & got divorced from an abusive marriage! I am also bipolar & started self medicating with alcohol! I had to go to treatment both in & outpatient due to alcohol, lost a job, but have a better one now left my home State to be safe from x & left kids!  They are now 21 & 16 I love them & they are happy & safe! But my mother is sti trashing me to family, saying I abandon my kids and that I should just stay away from them!  My 16 year old wants me to move back to Idaho from Washington, but I fear for my safety, my oldest will go back to school in fall 3 hours away he won't be able to help me! Nor should he have to break down doors to save me as in past. What should I do? I was selfish for over a year and took care of me, but now 16 year old needs me, he is on bad path. I choose to be a mom, he did not choose this! PS even with treatment for years currently on have 9 months sobriety, try to prove I am not bipolar, but I am
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