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October 22, 2014
Latest Entry: Struggling
So right now I'm struggling.  My husband has his own issue o I don't blame him for not knowing exactly how to deal with mine.  Besides, a lot of the issue is that I need people I can trust outside my marriage that I can turn to for help.

I don't know where to find friends.  I'm not a "typical" person.  I love music- listening to it and playing it.  I talk about producers and sounds and all the music I listen to- from my current obsession with Panic! at the Disco to my lifelong love of the Beatles.  I love to read and write.  I write fan fiction sometimes to deal with the thoughts in my head (I am not good at creating my own characters).  I love to learn and research which goes well with the writing.  I love making people happy.

I am in counceling.  It's difficult because I'm in for social anxiety- I can't even comfortably call people on the phone.  Even though I would regret it forever, I would NEVER approach a musician I idolize for fear of upsetting them even though it's totally normal.  The suggestions my therapist makes seem okay, but of course the one that's probably the best for me, taking music lessons, I can't afford to do. Even though I could make the friends that would really appreciate my interest in music.

My husband was only my second boyfriend.  I never really dated.  So on top of the other issues I have this nagging in my brain if I got married too soon.  I love him but I wonder about what dating is like and what other kind of men are out there.  I don't think I'd ever leave my marriage, but the doubt in myself is there.

The underlying theme in everything is a massive self-esteem issue.  I'm not sure how to help it.  I try to identify the negative self-talk and spin it positive, but it is such an uphill battle.  I rely entirely on other people's perceptions of me.  I don't trust my own opinion and I live for what other people think of me even if there is no one else to get an opinion from.  I need to fix my self-esteem, I need to start living on what I think of myself, but right now it's an uphill battle that I'm not sure I have the equipment for.  I feel so lost that I don't know what to do.  I'm fighting tooth and nail but it would be nice to have encouragement from someone- a friend.  Or especially someone I look up to, that inspires me because obviously I value everyone's opinions but my own right now- not that anyone I look up to would have anything to do with me. I'm a nobody midwestern gal that may never make anything of myself and just work in jobs that don't make me happy until I retire or die.

I could be so much more, if I could believe in myself and if I had someone believe in me.
October 22, 2014
Latest Entry: mind of a misstress

dr Phil I am a new user of this site and i wanted to comment on a show that you viewed today on the minded of a mistress. I agree with your points in what you were saying but there always two sides to everything. I am not happy about the fact that I to found myself hung up having a mistress. it was a the worse thing I ever did but the fact remind is that it happen. There were things that took place that should have never happen in our life that maybe I was a contributor of it but I was doing what I had to do to take care of my family. I am a 21 years retire vet that served in the armed force but during the times when I had to leave my family to go overseas and on military duties during my 20 years of service. It was not till I retired when I realize the damage I was doing to my family because I was gone. Understand during my absent I took care of my family ensuring they had a home and everything they needed to live while I was gone and came home every time I could they did not want for nothing. But what I did not know and only found out after I got out was that my action of being away even thou I was on military assignment only being like her father the only different was at lease took care of her but when her father lift her mom with seven girls and she being the baby he lift them with nothing not even a house or home to live in. I try everything to show her that we were not the same and I took care of them even while I was gone but she did not see it that way. I love my wife and my kids and always will my kids are now grow married  and have their own family and still my wife and I are still like strangers to each other. The mistress came about  in feeling abandon by my wife and she know from the start that I was married and had no intention of leaving my home she was going through her own problems at this point and we would just talk with each other this went on for at least two before we became involved  she a had and abusive  husband  and  a drunk all he did was drink and want to fight  I was working at a shop and she would bring her car to the shop to have repaired and most the time would just sit in the car till someone  got around to it. Just one day I notice her sitting there crying one day and stop to talk with her and she was telling me all about these thing that was going on in her life then it came a time that her husband drank himself to death and died, than her mom had a heart attack and died all in the same year and it was after this we became closer friends this was not something plan it just happen  after a while even thou my situation had not change I realized that I could not continue with this because I knew it was wrong and my position in church it was convicting me spirit I pull out of it she understood and it was not something we were pound  of but it just happen I am still with my wife now 43 years and we are still like stranger no matter what I do to change things it do not work we did go to a talk with someone at one point and it did not work the problem comes in at that I do love her but I am not sure where she stand you can say will she is still there and I can tell you it is only the security that keeps her here and that hurts.       

October 21, 2014
Latest Entry: Lost
My oldest daughter's dad is keeping my daughter away form me.. i tried everything but no one want to help me....
October 21, 2014
Latest Entry: Really! !!
These ladies need to GROW UP! !
October 21, 2014
Latest Entry: disowned
I need your help please I'm a 26 year old married woman and have 2 children ~ my step mom is ruining my life, my biological mother left me when I was 5 then my dad got remarried when I was 7 years old she told me she would love me like her own but ever since then my step mom has been causing so much trouble I can't even see my dad because of her she keeps lying to everyone she says that my dad thinks I'm not his and I want to take a paternity test to prove that I'm his and I want to tell him that the things that my step mom is telling him is all lies but I can't because she want let me near him everyone has disowned me my step mom, my dad, and my step sister and brother I was put in foster care when I turned 16 because my family neglected me I wish my father would open his eyes and see the truth it's hurts so much that my family could ever do this to me please help me 
October 20, 2014
Latest Entry: Thinking....
Trying to stop thinking about all the names I've been called. Trying to stop thinking that I am a self centered person. I am told these things and I can't get them out of my head. I am "worth" something...right?  I will try again. Tomorrow is a new day!
October 20, 2014
Latest Entry: Thoughts...
October 20, 2014

It's 2:00 A.M. I can't sleep. So I am reading blogs, news stories, watching you tube, etc.

I am giving myself just 20 more minutes, then off to bed I go.

October 19, 2014
Latest Entry: Shining the light on child victims of domestic abuse
Please see the videos on my website regarding the effects of violence, sexual, and other abuse on children, featuring advice from Dr Frank Lawlis.

Shine your light on these angels in training.  They deserve it.  

Ending silence kills violence!

Love and light

October 19, 2014
Latest Entry: Becoming a toddler again for your own sake
Before I married him, I dated my EX-husband 4 years with 3 marriages proposals he did started in the 1st year anniversary of our long distance relationship.
He came to see me every month from Germany; we had the most extraordinary time and hardly any argument at all.
However I miss the signals during our engagement and let them pass when he disrespect me in front of his mother during one of our dinners, the circumstances and the place weren't to make any scene.
Therefore I pay badly during the marriage.
I overlook several outbursts during the planning of the wedding, excusing him and justify his moods as part of the cultural shocks he has to deal with.
I'm Mexican, he is German.
I'm the 7th of 11 children from a solid marriage( both Parents dead); he's a unique son of a divorce couple and a very dominant mother.
I have been in US dealing by myself for a decade, he has been successful with the support of his banker stepfather.
I'm a communicator and express all my feelings, plans and projects. he is secretive and hold resentments even from his childhood and reject deal with them to let them go.
In the pictures as the dating periods everything looks perfect and beautiful, however as soon the marriage started, he become totally another person.
And the worst part was I was infatuated  to the degree that allow him to hit, me bit me, bite, me and diminish me so badly that I knew every one of his affairs and unfaithful encounters and still I choose to be with him and try to work it out through therapist, spiritual counseling, and I became his shadow letting myself become sick , instead a partner I became a "remora" I lost myself, I rejected my professional environment to avoid embarrassing situations.
I lost 2 pregnancies in the almost 3 years of marriage, in the last one I saw the anger and felt his intentions to kill me and the kids in his eyes when he hit me; the most unbelievable thing was after I lost my babies and almost myself.
I want him back. Believe or not GOD through a music concert I have the epiphany to Jesus telling me that he has somebody that really loved me.
The current circumstances where and has been a struggle for me. However I move forward and look for help in the organizations of Assistance of victims of domestic violence, they help me with money funds to file the divorce.
My so called "friends" vanished, my colleagues were resented and deny me any help, I manage to come over just with GOD at my side.
Things haven't been peachier or sweet but at least I'm not betraying myself and punishing my heart with a false pretender.
He wrote me and e-mail telling me along so many lies that I'm, and will be forever the "Love of his live".
I try to don't honor him with an answer but I couldn't hold myself and I just answer him with a list of thing I felt in love with him and the things he did wrong to me.
Sort of like:
You said that I'm the love of your life, but you cheat on me.
You promised to loved me, but you couldn't control your frustrations against me.
You said you miss my voice, but you shout on me when I told you I was hurt.
And so on. I finish my answering letter telling him that I forgive him because I don't want to extend the energy of his deceptive behavior into my life.
I told him that consciously didn't behave in any way to harm him of causing any pain nor frustration. And I ask him his forgiveness if I hurt him in any way.
But also I ask him to let me go for good and forever, in his mind as well, for his own sake and for mine.
And I can tell you I live in peace in my heart and mind.
I have been making other crazy mistakes to try to fix the circumstances of my life but at least as soon I see any of the signals that shows me that the guy I seeing is having an integrity issue, I just tell him is not working not even as friends, because the price I paid with the life of 3 unborn is not worth to allow myself to live in hell.
Owned, take a step out of your fears and insecurities, they will be appear from time to time, but as soon you get out of a destructive and violent relationship you start to find the real you and become the bold human being who honesty expressed yourself since as toddler and reject or accept the unconditional love that you felt in that period when everything is real.    

October 18, 2014
Latest Entry: What If?
    When the movie Pay it Forward came out look what happened it became a real thing! If the term "Do the next right thing" was said to more then those of us in rehab or attending meetings , maybe it would catch on. I know I am a dreamer, it just feels as if we are regressing as humans .

                     I had taken Perry's son Benjamin to the grocery store with me one day , in the next lane over was a little old lady in her scooter ..... basket full of groceries. So I tell Benjamin to go help the lady , and he looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language . And very nicely said to me "why?" 

                     As I raised my 4 kids they were taught to help the elderly , or anyone for that matter that needed it ,don't wait to be asked just go do! My kids are now 22,22,20, and 18 and all of them without hesitation still do it as well as me. My girls venture off with John and do meals on wheels , my sons have grown into gentlemen .( Yes I am tooting my own horn )

hen did we stop teaching our kids manners? When did it become okay for our teenage kids to get tattooed? Where was I when being your child's friend was more important then being their parent? When did it become the norm that 1/3 of your female students in high school were pregnant ? Where did we make the wrong turn so that our children who should be learning at school are more worried about gangs? Where did we go wrong that we need Police Officers to police our schools?

                     I say humanity has become lazy. Raising our children ..... our future leaders at that gets in the way of twitter or facebook. Teaching our kids manners would actually mean talking to them instead of texting them. Maybe your working because money is important, how important will it be to you when it is all you have left. We are to scared to punish our children due to the government feeling as tho they should have say as to what goes on in our homes..... well we can see by all the gang violence what happens when you spare the rod.
                 So WHAT IF we chose to do the next right thing and raise our children to be the young men and women they could be if taught. So here we go folks with the what if's?

                    What if Princess Diana had parents to busy to teach her right? Would she still have become an Iconic Woman or our Era , A Princess , an absolute role model for all women! Well if not we and the world would have missed out on all these amazing acts of kindness:

1)1987, Princess Diana was one of the first well known celebrities to be photographed with a victim of AIDS. This was important in changing attitudes to the disease..
2)Landmines & Explosive Remnants of War
Continuing the commitment of Diana, Princess of Wales we champion the issue of landmines, supporting the campaign for a worldwide ban and speaking up for those whose everyday lives are blighted by landmines.
3)Prisoners' Families
The Fund supports young people in prisoners' families – an invisible group stigmatized by society and judged guilty for a crime they did not themselves commit.
4)Palliative Care
Enabling people to die with dignity and with the least possible amount of pain. For this reason it has launched a £5 million initiative on Palliative Care.
5)During her lifetime she was President or Patron of over 100 charities.
6)Princess Diana was a tireless humanitarian whose charitable works continue through her memorial fund.

                  What would the world be like today if Princess Diana spent her time doing other things and not paying attention to the world around her. What if texting was more important then making the time to be a part of the things that she loved.

                   So the next time your bored , instead of facebooking ,texting a friend to come be bored with you , or thinking of hitting a bar why not go down to your local soup kitchen , homeless shelter , terminally ill wing at a hospital and use all the energy you want making someone else smile. You might be amazed at how helping them also helps you.

                  And how about Mahatma Gandhi? Gandhi was the principle figurehead of the Indian independence movement. Taught a philosophy of non-violence and peaceful protest. I doubt he texted his way into the history books , or facebooked his personal problems , nor did he result to violence ( like our youth today do ) to solve a problem. Instead he made changes that effected the world by using his brain. Such as :

1)He studied the Bible and was struck by the teachings of Jesus Christ – especially the emphasis on humility and forgiveness.
2) In South Africa, Gandhi was struck by the level of racial discrimination and injustice often experienced by Indians. It was in South Africa that Gandhi first experimented with campaigns of civil disobedience and protest; he called his non violent protests – satyagraha.
3)After 21 years in South Africa, Gandhi returned to India in 1915. He became the leader of the Indian nationalist movement campaigning for home rule or Swaraj.
4)In 1930, Gandhi led a famous march to the sea in protest at the new Salt Acts. In the sea they made their own salt – in violation of British regulations.
5)However, whilst the campaign was at its peak some Indian protesters killed some British civilians, as a result Gandhi called off the independence movement saying that India was not ready.
6)At the age of 78, Gandhi undertook another fast to try and prevent the sectarian killing. After 5 days, the leaders agreed to stop killing. But, ten days later, Gandhi was shot dead by a Hindu Brahmin opposed to Gandhi's support for Muslims and the untouchables.

                  None of these things would have been accomplished if Ghandi would have used social media to complain about his problems. He instead did something about them without resulting in violence, something our kids could learn from today. Something us as parents should be encouraging instead of turning a blind eye as to what our youth is doing these days. 

                   We as a society have taken a back seat to our issues , maybe because it is easier to just act like nothing is happening then to get off our rear ends and be an active part of our children's lives , our community , our world in general. We chose to watch TV , text , or use social media to connect with what is outside . Here is a thought , try being active in our community by volunteering . Not only do we gain the exercise we need but we can rest our heads easy knowing we helped another that day.

                  Instead of pretending our youth isn't in trouble these days , play a more active role in their lives even if it is not your child. Being a mentor to a kid who has no one could make all the difference. He or She might grow up to be the next Princess Diana or the next Ghandi.
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