Not residing anywhere else but here, inside me. Nine years and counting. Probably a lot longer if you really want to play dirty.
Why did you choose me when there were so many other people you could have picked? You were probably out for vengeance for working too hard and resting too little. You probably thought it would be fun seeing me cry at the bottom of the staircase when I was so tired I couldn't climb it anymore. Did you know, did you truly believe it was slapstick-funny?
Have I not been living with enough illnesses already that you had to add yourself to my central nervous system like a piece of superglue Velcro? I had abdominal surgery a mere three months before you crashed into me. You took over my eyes and created new levels of pain in my body, feelings I never believed I'd have.
I saw specialist doctors who said my ears were just fine when your trigeminal neuralgia took hold of the left side of my face. My old GP thought I had severe ear infections for five months, but I knew that was the wrong answer. I went to dentists, ENT doctors and other super-intelligent human beings who had no idea what eye and facial pain even felt like.
How dare you take over my life? How dare you change my relationships, professional life and upset my family and friends? Two of my friends blatantly said they couldn't handle my illness; one ran off, the other one I let go with a lot of pain in my heart because our friendship was based on a lie.
My family? They're my rock, my everything. Some have also said things that make me tremble inside of hurt, because they don't know what it feels like to live in my misshapen brain.
The worst thing of all was having to retire at the age of 36. I loved my job, I loved working hard, but you took that away from me. It's no fun having to take anti-narcolepsy tablets like they are candy. Without them, I can't make it through the day otherwise. You, you ignorant, selfish, disturbing illness did all that to me. But I won't let you win. No way.
Where was the manual that showed me how to adapt, accept and live? There were none, was there? MS just hits you like a ton of bricks, and the rest you have to figure out yourself. No two people are alike with MS, so you really outdid yourself!
You made each of us different. MS has 50+ different symptoms, and multiple sclerosis just wants you to go through it alone. I never asked for you, I never wanted you so I sure as hell want you gone. For good.
I figured you out though.
I got you... yet I won.
I won fantastic new friends and a totally new philosophy on life.
I won love where I thought there was none.
In need, you truly learn who your real friends are. I found trust in those that stuck around.
You don't own me MS, you don't get praise for having me. No matter how bad you treat me in the future, I will own you instead.
You're you and I'm me. One thing I will never lose is the knowledge that I conquered you. Perhaps not physically, but mentally I am stronger than you.
You're here to stay, but I won.
I won yesterday.
I win today.
And I will win tomorrow also.
Well, let me know when she breaks out of rehab because you will be lucky to get a month. Instead of talking about jail lets monitor the mother and girls with the help of a therapist and medicine. As you know there are several of both, therapist and medicine. The total family is in need of help! Not a staged circus as I watched today for ratings and a clap from an audience that doesn't understand addiction or what privacy and confidentially is all about. They probably didn't read the release they signed most substance abuser can't understand it. Because they are not in the right frame of mind or high on drugs. Did you see their faces and their mother's ready to cry when you planned to put them in jail? Someone should be treated and someone held accountable but you figure that out.
My children and grandkids are coming for a visit in one month. My boyfriend whom I've been with for 4 years and who's house I practically live at offered for my family and me to stay at his house during their visit. We are taking them to the shore for a few days as well and will be spending the week as a family, staying at an inn where he vacationed as a child and his parents and siblings/kids, and we, continue to vacation.
Sounds good.....NOT, since he informed me that at least some of my family will be relegated to sleep on an old sofa and maybe a blow-up mattress. He has a house that is almost 3,000 sq.ft and has ample room. However, a past tenant and friend of his still has the 2nd guest room filled with his stuff. He has been moved out for several months and owes money which my boyfriend has generously forgiven. However, since this guy no longer lives there, why does he crap take priority over my family? Especially since my boyfriend OFFERED for us to stay with him. (my sister and brother-in-law recently visited and we all stayed at my boyfriends' as well)
I have a small home; 2 bdrm and will give my daughters and their husbands each of the bedrooms, It will be tight, but we will make due and have a wonderful week. Naturally, there will be no room for my boyfriend at my house since I will be sleeping on my sofa so my kids can have each of the bedrooms.
My questions remain; is it too much to ask that he makes room, figuratively and literally for my family? Does this other guys' junk trump my and my family's needs? If this is the case, do I need to reevaluate this relationship? I contribute considerably to this relationship emotionally, physically, financially. Yet, is it really appropriate that I have no say or that he cannot consider my request for my family? Am I expecting too much?
a little heads up in advance, i am from holland and so english is not my native language. my sentences will probably be okay, but spelling will not be, so, i hope it doesnt become to much of a distraction.
having said that, a little about me, almost 29 years old, very positive mindset and learned some importand life lessons lately.
life code helped BIG time btw in finding out what i allowed to happen to me.
yes, i said allowed, because being asleep at the wheel of my life is a decision i once must have made.
my senior at work manipulated me for several years, he is a BAITER, i now know that and i didnt before. i trusted him completely and totally and thoughout the years he got to know me better than i knew myself. go figure.
some signs that he is a BAITER? okay.. loves to talk about himself. loves to talk about what a hardass he is and how he screwed people over. has no empathy. is disliked by people outside the team (that he build). builds you up than drops you like bad habit when it suits him, not feeling the least bit remorse. making excuses and telling half truths. not taking any reall responsibility. making people seem to be 'the bad guys' by painting pictures about them in colleages eyes. lying, big lies too. amnipulating. grooming. making you doupt yourself. being charming when needing something. making you dependable on him.
so, on the 'stop being a target' part... what i have learned is that my character is one of being very trusting, open and honest.
thats great... but mostly for those who want to take advantage.
so that needs to change.
now i hated the fact that this is nesicary.
i dont want to have to adapt my 'good person'chcracter, in order to accomadate a society where baiters win.
that was my initial way of thinking.
but you know what, i did that wrong, i am not accomodating society, i am accomodating myself and my place within it. and that is worth the change.
i might not like the dark parts of society at the moment, but if i decide to stubbornly be a 'goody two shoes' that dark side of society will like me. and thats not a good positition to be in.
and i know what that feels like. and i know that i would be very stupid to ever conciously allow that to happen again.
so,,, my personality is still the same. just with boundries. here is the definition than and now:
too trusting, if you trust me enough i will tell you everything you want to know and more.
too open, no secrets, everything on the table, even if it hurts me.
too honest, if i did something stupid, i will even tell you that.
trusting, those who earn it and to an extend.
open, to an extend, and i listen to my gut and brain to inform me about what the right extend is.
honest, about what is needed and what helps me or those i work for. not at my expense.
in other words, i made my qualities consious, and no longer automatic.
so, i didnt really have to change that much.
i just needed one little thing:
learn when to speak up, and learn when to shut up.
also.. that whole, benefit of the doupt thing... yeah.. thats not happening again untill i see and feel proof that i can trust you.
i started at a new workplace, after the fiasco that was my other workplace with the baiter. and i met a collgeague who was kinda distant, not reall friendly, not open or very interested. so i figured id do some smalltalk about what i did with the clients that day and how i liked that (safe subject) to break the ice. than i ask her about how long she worked there.
suddenly she opends like a book, telling me about how she got transferred from another job aswell and how her former teamleader was not a nice man, how he ruined her lovely workplace etc etc.
than she looked at me, waiting for a response.
in the past i would have been so happy that she was suddenly open, that i would have told her all about my past with my senior. we would commiserate and become great friends (ha ha right!!) i would have stepped right into to that baiter trap.
now, i listen to my gut. and it is telling me that it is weird that someone so closed off would open up about that specific, unrelated personal subject. thats not natural.
she obviously knows that i made an internal transfer in the company. thats not a secret. but she doesnt know any details or people involved.
this odd behavious has an angle, she is fishing. and i have now learned not to bite.
thats life lessons babe.
and its amazing to start working like this..
and to see the changes in yourself.
major wake up call!
The one huge pet peeve I have with Micah is when he is told he has to do something he doesn't want to do, he starts crying, which for some reason seems to set me off. I hate myself for how quickly things changes from having a good time to have a really bad time in 2 seconds flat. When he gets disrespectful in any way I get upset. And he gets his butt spanked. I start out not being mad, but then my anger gets worse as Micah acts like I have beat him half to death. I don't want to get to the point of wanting to spank him so hard that it just makes me feel better. I want to be someone Micah can trust and be able to come to any time he even just wants to talk.
Micah came from an abusive situation, I really just want to be a great mommy to him. It seems like Micah acts like a little pill when he doesn't have my 100% attention. Please help me. I want to get over the resentful attitude that I have towards him. None of this is Micah's fault. Please help.