Abuse never ends it just escalates!

Today my boyfriend Joe and I celebrated Valentines Day because our gifts were far too suspenseful!
He got me my septum pierced.. and I got him a new fishing pole and a new Grateful Dead T-Shirt..

The card I got was so cute, it had a dog with fake "hillbilly" teeth on the front.. and inside it said
"Hope your Valentines Day is BUTT-SNIFFIN GOOD!"

It was so cute.

We are moving soon, so we got packing more and more... and we are almost finally done.. thank gosh! It seems like we have waited for this forever.. This will be my 2nd time moving there.. in high hopes of staying of course, lol.
Either way, wish us luck on our voyage.. this one will last forever.

A question I didn't hear asked would be:  Do each of you girls have any hobbies such as maybe art, sewing, knitting, gardening, etc.?  Something like that might help keep them from getting on each other's nerves, and they would have a beautiful esteem-building masterpiece to be proud of too!

Very excited to have been on the show and can't wait to watch it this Friday. Please make comments as you wish. Dr Phil $ Robyn are the BEST!

Hello my name is Duteau. I am in a wheelchair.

As you can see by my user name I am a mom of 6 miracles! My blessings and my world. I am also married to my soul mate my everything and my hero.

I wanted to blog on Drphil.com to share my experiences in life , from being a abused child, a foster child being given up for adoption ( and never adopted) to getting married and having children to breaking the cycle of abuse in my family. Basically just everything I've learned along the way.

I have to say all my blogs won't be pretty and some will be very raw emotions so that is your warning. I am not blogging to have someone say they look up to me and I am not blogging to get flamed. These are my feelings and my life and the experiences we have .Also beware. I am not the best speller but I do what I can.


Ok so a little back ground. I am Trina , 31 years old and was raised in Foster care from about 12 years old until I married my husband at 17. Unfortunately I was a victim of child abuse in ways no child should ever have to experience my mother gave me up for adoption instead of fighting for me and I was never adopted. Funny bit about not being adopted. I used to have dreams and pray that Oprah would adopt me!
Fortunately I can say I am a SURVIVOR  as I have survived and I am very blessed to have the life I have.


My Dear husband is my Hero and I truly believe because of him I am where I am now in my life. I am happy and I am in love although I still struggle with my past he helps me daily giving me the confidence, love and understanding that I need. I believe we are a perfect fit!

My husband and I got married  when I was 17 and he was 20.For the first time in my life I knew what true love meant and knew what it meant to be loved no matter my faults.  Knew how to give love and receive love.He showed me it was ok to feel special because I was special. We have been married now going on 14 years. My husband  is a Deputy Sheriff so he is not only my personal hero but a hero to those in our town as well. He has worked as the department going on 10 years and truly loves his job.

We had been married a few months when we got the news we was going to have a baby! Unfortunately due to a drunk driver hitting my husband and I our daughter came early but today she is a beautiful , smart and loving 12 year old.  She has a passion of Art and is a animal lover. She is simply one of the most caring and giving people I have the honor of knowing.


A little over a year later we found out we would be having a baby boy.  Our son was also a preemieand his lowest weight was 1 pound 10 oz. He fought for over 100 days in the NICU to survive and survive he did.Today our son is 10 years old and completely blind in both eyes, autistic and has cerebral palsy. He is truly a miracle sent from God. He has struggles  however he wakes every morning with a smile and goes to bed every night with a smile . How many of us can say we do that?
 
Threw out the years we have had our share of struggles but have always stayed true to ourselves. Always helping anyone that needed help and never ignoring a friend in need.

A little over a year and half ago our life started to settle down a bit. We started to work our dream of owning a home and was actually able to take a children somewhere fun for the summer. We was learning more and more about what it took to a parent to a severely handicap child and was learning that although it is not easy living life without a big support system we was able to do it.  We do have my husbands parents but because we live in different towns we really just felt alone. We love them dearly and hope our relationships with them continue to grow. Nerveless we was going to start working on our dream of a home.

I always dreamed of having stablity and although I do with my husband and my children I've never really had stablity of a home. In foster care I moved around a lot and when my husband and I got married so young we moved around from apartment to apartment when we struggled.  I would go to bed at night and wake in the morning wondering what it would be like to have my OWN HOME . What that feeling must feel like. I can only imagine .

As I am sure you have noticed I have only spoken about 2 of our six wonderful children that is because up until that point in our lives we was parents to only two children.  A bit over a year and half ago we got the call that my biological sisters four children was being severely abused.( both my sister and I was given up for adoption and we didn't have a great relationship I didn't get to see her or her children often.)


Although I knew her children I had only seen then once a year or so and knew what I was told about them more then anything.  My husband and I didn't think we knew the right thing to do was to become these children's foster parents. We knew it would make our dream of a home impossible and we also knew it would tighten our belt and change our lives  in every way.

My Biological sister went down the same road as my biological mother and gave her children up for adoption. We became instant parents to six children.

Our oldest son is going on 16 years old and he is such a delight to have as a son. When he first came he was angry, Angry at the world , angry at any woman , angry at anyone that tried to love him. Today He loves to receive love and give love , He gives me a hug and kiss everyday and is sure to ask how my day went! He went from reading at a 3rd or 4th grade level to a 6th and 7th grade level in a year. He never had a dad before and he just adores his father and is enjoying being apart of a family. I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried.

Our 11 year old daughter has came such a long way in the last year and half. When we first got her she threw fits and I mean FITS! Kicking , crying, throwing items ,yelling and screaming . I had never seen anything like this before. She was convinced she was old enough to have a boy friend  , wear make up and dress sexy.  Oh what a long way she has came.  She has thrown maybe 2 fits in the last year and they are tiny fits with no kicking , throwing things or yelling. She is smart as a whip and gets along great with her friends at school!  We are still working on the make up and boy friend issue however she has came such a long way in such a short time!

Our oldest 10 year old twin ( yes twins!)  has  done such a good job. Her schooling her improved 100% and she also has a lot of friends at school! She loves to read and color and really enjoys helping her sisters and brothers. Both twins love to help me cook in the kitchen!  They are a big help around the house!

Our youngest  10 year old twin has also came such a long way. She did not speak much when we first got her but now she is our chatter box! Still shy and at times have to ask her to speak up but she is such a hoot!  She loves to color and do art projects and loves her baby dolls! She is really enjoying being a normal child. When we first got her she also did not eat much but now we are able to get her to eat a normal meal!

I guess this is getting long but I want everyone to know that is reading this blog child abuse is never ok. Breaking the cycle of child abuse is hard but worth every tear and worth every sleepless night. We may never own a home but we have been given a gift even better the gift of change, the gift of breaking the cycle , the gift of watching six wonderful children grow and learn it is ok to love to receive love and feel love. I won't say this is a easy road for my husband and I  won't say our family is perfect. What I will say is that is has been totally worth it.

If you would like to see our adoption video Please see this link
http://www.youtube.com/user/trinasvideos#p/u/11/6O7ue4BYxQ4

How do I deal with the hurt and anger?  

 My parents were divorced when I was 12 and father was  very emotionally and physically abusive.  My father was very selfish and when he remarried he re-placed his new wife and family before me and my brothers.  So much that his wife's family would look down upon us.  I married at 18, and luckily married a good man.  All I ever wanted is to have a normal family and would do my best to make it happen.  I always had to work hard to get attention or any type of approval from my father. My father was a workaholic, didn't give me or my children any time, and had developed a love/ hate relationship with him. Recently,  we had a huge family crisis with a brother that is now dealing with a severe drug addiction.  Apparently, this brother has become violent and psychotic and had to be medically interned. Because of comfronting my father,  accusing him of his abuse and dysfunctional upbringing, my over manipulative father, who's 65 and still destructive, has taken control of the situation.  He has taken control of my brother and claims denial of  his drug and mental sickness. I believe my father is sick himself and in denial of himself.   He's controlling the girlfriend with isolation and somehow has taken over my brothers mind where he has no contact with any of us or my mother. My father is, also involved in a diabolic sect, spanish santeria,  where he thinks is going to take care of the problem.  He's, embedded lies in my brother's head about my mother and I.  Yet, we are the ones trying to get him help according to psychiatrist's recommendations.  My mother and I are afraid he could turn my brother against us.  My father has said he loathes my mother.  We have not heard of my brother in 3 weeks but know he's not well and not working. He could be Bi-polar.  My father and his wife are self medicating him. How do we deal with this situation?  I'm tired of all the manipulation and demeanor

Dr. Phil,

I will be utterly disappointed if you do not at least acknowleddge that Parental Alienation doesn't always happen with the custodial parent. I am the custodial parent of 2 fabulous 8 year olds. I am in the unique situation that when they visit their father, they hear all sorts of stuff regarding my so-called lack of parenting skills. My children come back distanced, withdrawn, and antagonistic especially after prolonged visits (longer than a weekend). It takes a few days for them to warm up.

I am grateful that I am the custodial parent or my children would be lost to me.

I have been so confused about the state of a relationship.  I don't need to be smacked in the head as I am perfectly clear about circumstances, etc and what it most likely means...the problem is that I can't get my feelings to change.  It still occupies my mind, still brings tears and I have so many more relevant things to deal with that I know I KNOW it's time to move on.  My head is packed and on the train, but my heart?  Not so much.
Here's the situation.  A few years ago, I met someone at work who I admired greatly, enjoyed the company of and the two of us just clicked.  I live with the father of my child (we have seperate rooms, and my daughter has a physical disability which requires both of our care).  He and I have a great attitude towards family, but have never really trusted one another emotionally, a lot of the time don't even like one another and are fairly opposite in most ways, which is "cute" when you're dating, but not when you already have the stress of a disabled child, not being able to work full time so completely stuck financially.  There is a lot to "BOOO!" between baby daddy and I, but also there is much to admire or I wouldn't be here. We co-parent, and we live together, which makes everything more complicated than it should be.  I'm very romantically idealistic which leaves me very unsatisfied and resentful and he is very cheap and critical of my every breath...so it's challenging.  BUT!  He is a really loving and generous father.
I grew up with divorced parents and saw my dad every other weekend and two weeks in the summer.  My mother made things excessively difficult for him (moving and not telling him where we were, constant animosity), and I have kept my promise that I would never be the reason that my child doesn't have a relationship with her dad.   Maybe I have indirectly caused the rift between us by insisting on seperating the two  as different priorities, but my position is that I see men all the time who escape the burden of parenting by blaming the drama with the wife and I'm not having it. 
Anyways, back to my heart ache.  This guy from work was engaged at the time, and I was in this situation, so we never saw one another outside work but for having drinks with everyone after a staff meeting or occassioanlly going out to celebrate a birthday.  It was, in fact, at his own birthday that he drank too much.  As we were all leaving, he called my name and then he just looked at me.  We looked at one another for a little too long and I knew it then.  He got carried off by friends and I went home realizing that I still remembered the day we met, the first handshake, the first smile and that I was feeling some things that were pretty strong.
We didn't speak of it.  He actually quit a little time after that, and even though he was going out East for work, he stayed engaged to the girl.  About a year later, he came back to town for a week and we all went out for wings.  He was "un-engaged", and we sat with one another, but it was kind of uncomfortable because...do you ever notice that if you're sitting right next to someone, you don't talk to them as much as you would if you were across the table?  That, and his "buddy" was really pushing the "poor guy" routine and I felt like he was implying that I make myself a temporary solution.  The buddy was the only one putting that out there as R was quiet and kind of low key (especially for him, he's a rowdy one!).  I thought about talking to him if I could get him alone, but he was going back in less than a week and technically, I'm not available anyway.  So...nothing happened.  About 2 weeks later he changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship" and posted his first photo with A.
Fast forward to few months later.  Things were on the rocks at home and I was feeling really low.  Pretty unhappy and just feeling so lonely and completely unappreciated.  R and I began writing frequently.  He was always cheering me up and I just...he was a lifeline to me. Honestly?  I began to see myself with him.  I felt ready to make changes, but how??  No money. No way to work full time. No family to help me.  How to keep my daughter getting everything she needs, but seperating myself for what?  So I can date?  I bought a ticket for every lottery for weeks and I can tell you something :  It doesn't happen. LOL  It's a pipe dream.  If it was that easy, they wouldn't call it "life" LOL
He had a contract near me for four months.  He came back from Dec to April...he broke up with A at the end of November.  We went out with the gang the day after he got into the city.  There was this mega snowstorm, and I didn't know if he'd make it.  I got there first.  He got there a bit later.  I apologized for the weather (that's how silly I am), because I felt bad that he'd travelled through all that snow for the better part of the afternoon to come to a "gathering" where it wound up just being me.  He just smiled and said that if that was the case, he didn't have ANY problem with that. :)  But, stragglers began filing in and the bowling alley didn't close (in spite of the intense weather), so we all piled on the bus and went to the bowling alley.  After a couple of drinks, we ducked out on everyone and went to another bar.  There, he took my hands in his and told me that he'd loved me for two years.  I loved him too, so I believed him.  Part of me still does and that's what's making me crazy.
Anyways, we held hands and talked...it was exactly like having someone hand you a piece of chocolate raspberry truffle cake on the first day of your diet.  I ended up shaking my head and explaining to him that I was so unhappy, that if I even kissed him, there was no way I could walk back into my life.  I couldn't lie to N.  I'm not a cheater and I don't believe in starting with someone new until you've really ended it, but since N and I can't define what we are....????  It's not really cheating on him, it's cheating on our daughter and choosing someone else's needs over hers.  So, I couldn't do it.  I left R standing in a snow bank and went home in the first cab that passed.  It was easily the hardest thing I've ever done.
I apologized and he and I chatted on Facebook for a bit, and then he went out of the city for the contract.  In less than a month I began seeing messages from A, again.  (Seems like she's always more than happy to be a rebound).  I could see what she wrote, but there was never any indication of a response from him.  Now, he owes me no explanation and certainly didn't require my permission...it's not that...it's just that when I asked him about her, he ignored the question. 
April came, he went back east, still hadn't said a word about her to me, but the day he got back he switched his status to "engaged".  And you know, he never put their status back to "in a relationship" and he certainly never wrote me a single sentence to say "A and I have been talking and we're giving it another go.  I hope you can be happy for me."  Nothing.  Just switched his status to engaged the minute he got back and then wrote me an e-mail three days later.
I wrote back that it completely made sense for him to be with her and not someone else (meaning me), but that I would have appreciated a head's up instead of reading about it with everyone else on facebook.  I thought it was rude and deliberately hurtful.  I basically told him to go fuck himself.
He hasn't written/spoken to me since.  I've written only twice.  Once to apologize for being angry.  No response.  And once to congratulate him on his marriage.  They got married in someone's ungardened backyard, with about 12 people there (all her friends/family, but for his parents and brother).  There were no decorations, indoor furniture dragged outside, and the "bride" sat next to him on a bench, back to said family, holding a water bottle as they made their vows.  I think a banjo would have made the ceremony too fancy.  It was bizarre.  Nobody looks happy to be there.  It wasn't interesting enough to be a barbeque!  I know it sounds like sour grapes, maybe so, but it was still so sad and just, no effort.  They did that and then went to a pub where I'm only assuming their parents bought their own meal.  No first dance, no speeches.  Just backyard vows and then all you can eat nachos with a complimentary roll of arcade tokens and I'm making that part up!  I doubt the guests got anything as signifigant as arcade tokens.  So...why?
If they're so in love and have the rest of their lives...they can't wait to have something a little nicer?  I'm not saying spend tonnes of money because that's stupid, I'm saying "nice".  A day to be proud of, doing something fun.  You can clearly see that the neighbors have a trampoline in the backyard...why not crash it??  Get some fun pictures, make a day worth remembering.   Or, got to city hall and then just have a little gathering in the back yard.  Put up some china lanterns or Christmas lights.  Something romantic and endearing at the very least. Whatever.
Oh, did I forget to mention they did it on my birthday?  The only thing memorable about it was that.
So, on the one hand, I feel lied to because she even came to town as early as Feb, and he said NOTHING to me.  If he wanted to stay my friend, he would have told me that he was moving on.  But, he didn't until he was hundreds of miles away.
When he said that it was me he loved for two years, that would have included the entire time they dated before he came back here.  So...by April he's ready to commit to her?  On my birthday, it's as good a time as any to have a non-wedding with no announcement, no notice to ANY of his friends here and not even a honeymoon?  Seriously!  They got married, and then went home and uploaded the awful pics on Facebook!  She even comments that most of her "fave's" are "candid" photos...it's not like she has a choice!!!  There was no photographer, no venue, no catering, no nothing.  It was a non-event.  And, it was right on my birthday which, if it wasn't on purpose, is a pretty bizarre coincidence, no?
It really pisses me off.  I got in the cab and I said "no", so he is free FREE to move on and should...it's just not right HOW he did it.  I don't believe it.  I can't wrap my head around it.  It makes me angry and it makes me sad and it makes me laugh sometimes because it really was the worst "wedding" I've ever seen.  I have nothing to compare it to!!  But, why didn't he stop talking to me then, the night I left?  You know?  It would have been kinder.
I still love him.  If I wasn't me, I'd hit me with a stapler and say "Move on already! It's DONE!".  I really want to stop it, I really do.  My situation has not changed and if I had that night to live over...I would have said "good-bye", I guess.  I can't be with him, knowing what I know now and I can't stay in this lingo forever.  I just can't figure out who he's being insincere to.  To her?  To me?  Or is he mostly just being insincere to himself?  Or maybe that is his truth now?  I don't know.  I have no way to know.     
Am I just a sucker for punishment?  Did he say that he loved me just because he wanted to sleep with me?  Did they only "break up" because he was going away for a few months and maybe the intention was that they'd get back together/married once he got back?  It could have been their agreement and I could have just been someone he thought he could nail while he was in town.  Or, maybe he promised her he wouldn't talk to me any more because it was apart of why they broke up the first time?  Is it all about me or does it have nothing to do with me at all?  Why my birthday?  Why so painfully bland?
Help!

i am a divorced woman with two college aged children. I have been divorced for 16 years, due to my husband cheating on me.  I was crushed, angry , hurt betrayed the usual feelings a woman should feel after an affair. I vowed never ever to even think about doing this to another woman. Throughout the years, if i had ever known of someone in or about to have an affair, i was the one to tell their spouse or significant other. Fast forward to the present, and i find myself in love with a married man. What started as a friendship has turned into love, i think. We have not crossed the line yet, but i fear we will soon.

 I met him on a business level, divorced about a year and not ready to be in any kind of relationship. I had three small children and lots of wounds that had not healed yet. My children became my main focus. About a year later he took a position in another state.  When he was gone i realized i had missed out. He was gone for about four years , then came back.  When i saw him for the first time i was thrilled and thought i wasn't going to miss out again.  Every time that i saw him i said to myself, today is the day i am going to let him know how i feel, but  never did. Let me add, through the years we have been friends we found out we had friends in common from our school days. My best friends in high school , were his best friends in high school. I had moved to a new school in the tenth grade, he came to my old high school in the tenth grade and became friends with all my friends. We graduated the same year from different high schools, but if i didn't move it would have been together.  Our relationship was always on a friendship level, although i had strong feelings for him. During one of our conversations he told me his wife was pregnant. I was crushed This was the first i had heard about a wife..  When he moved away he got married and had two small children and now another on the way.  The only thing i could do was back off, which i did.  We did still see each other on a business level, but inside i felt hurt.  This was two years ago.

For the past year or so we have been having an emotional affair. We talk on the phone, on line and at work.  We have flirted endlessly and  had sex talks. He told me he has never cheated on his wife and never will. He is a faithful husband. He also knows why i divorced and knows how it effected me.  Lately the talks have become more intimate and personal and some occasional phone sex.  This scares me because i know how strong my feelings are for him.   This past weekend we had drinks after work and ended up kissing. It wasn't more than kissing but it almost was. We stopped, he said he was scared and nervous  as was i.  I know he has been faithful to his wife just by the reaction. I have never been with a married man.  So for the past three days i have been feeling horrible about the whole situation. We talked about it a little bit yesterday and we are both feeling awful, yet i still want to be with him. I am confused and lost. I feel as though he is the man i am supposed to be with, but i would never want him to divorce his wife. I wouldn't wish single motherhood on my worst enemy. In my heart i feel like i don't care that he is married, i love him and am willing to  be with him for the rest of my life while he is still married to her. My brain tells me never see him again. I don't know what to do. I told him he has to tell me to leave him alone and i will, he hasn't yet. I feel he loves me too.

I feel like being with him is justifiable because not once, but twice, we were supposed to be together and missed the opportunity. The first time in high school, the second after my divorce. He had told me that back then, after my divorce he had feelings for me but was to shy and thought he didn't have a chance. If he knew he had a chance to be with me he wouldn't have taken the position out of state and i feel we would have been together.  He moved and married, he was 32 and felt it was time to start a family.  I am just so confused right now. Am i crazy for feeling the feelings  i am feeling. I know in my head i have to let him go , but my heart wont let me. Any advice would be really appreciated.