I'm new to the 21 century dating scene. I am now divorced, and I just don't understand the whole online thing. Just no for me. I don't like it. No interaction. No people talking. No one seems to do anything without an electronic gadget in their hands. Why can't people sit down without the electronic junk, and try to actually talk to each other? And how is it everyone thinks everyone wants to get into everyone else's bedroom? I don't get why it's made into a science project.

Good morning all. I have a marriage question. Does anyone think that it is Ok to call phone chat/sex lines? I found out my husband has been calling them once a month for 10 years. We are/were very happy in our relationship (i thought) . Everyone, including me, think s we have the greatest marriage. Perfect couple. He actually is the only person ive EVER felt safe and secure with. Really, I never had anyone in my life that has loved and takes care of me like the women i deserve to be treated like. I can close my eyes at nite and no when i wake up my life is still going to be there. This has hit me like a brick wall. Ive closed myself off again just like i did when i was young. Im afraid i will never have trust again. Please, any advice/comments would really help. I have no one else. To talk to. Im so alone on this. Thanks for listening...

My father entered Hospice on April 12th, Died on May 3rd, funeral May 11th.

I found out by reading my hometown paper May 13th.  I don't understand why my sister who happens to be a "therapist" would do this to me.  She is about power. She had my phone number.  She told me that dad did not want me to know.  His new wife of 3 years also, and the pastor.  It was spiteful and I dont know what I did to desreve this.  

I had to call the funeral home who did know me and was informed that Susan his wife had 1/2 his ashes and my sister Liz had the other. 

My family has been all about games and secrets.  Liz knew all that dad had done in the past, (his mind games he played on me)   but she wanted to be on his "good side"  This SAME thing happened when mom had her leg amputated and was dieing.  My sister Liz was wanting my mothers Coach purse and her Car!


My dad never came to see me, even when I was only a few blocks away, he never saw my new home I bought.  However he would travel all over the world and also visit my sister.  I was glad  to move out of state to get away for this toxic relationship with my father and my sister. 

The nights are the hardest,  there are no do overs when it comes to death.       


I told her I do not want anything.  I have memories and that is all I need.   What I have a hard time with is how can anyone be so hurtfiul?  There are no do overs in death.

March 3, 2013 celebrated 9 years of leaving a domestic viloence relationship. A few weeks before I left I was watching Dr. Phil and using his message boards to find courage and validation for the "escape" I met a woman named Shawn, we were going thru alot of the same things. She shared with her husband some of my posts and I am so happy to say, that they made it. :)  I have been able to meet her and visit. We have grown to be great friends. And refer to each other as the Dr. Phil friends. I chose to leave after almost 8 years of mental abuse. When he tossed me down the stairs, I finalized plans with my son to come and get me. We literly left in the middle of the night. I was in AZ when he realized that I was gone. Since I had a great support group here and bodyguards here, it didn't matter that he knew where I was. In fact, my son was more than ready to finish the issue.


There is so much that I want to finish in this particular entry. But I have to get ready to go to Art Awakenings which is a trauma recovery group, But I shall return and share the continued journey of the last 9 years, the ups and downs, the sucide attempts, the no self estime, etc. 


Be at peace and be blessed, I will be back. :)



When I first moved here, I hid, I isolated myself. I can't remember how I came to "Brewster House" for Domestic violance. What an eye opener. It wasn't my fault, I met other women with stories just like mine, only different faces. I watched their fear in my face, and the anaxiety, the no self estime, I cried all the time, no matter what. I still cry actually. The shrink says its one of my coping methods. But its alot better now. :)  I am not a young woman, almost 60 now. I worry about where my life is going to go. I have not had a job since 2010, Looking like crazy, its funny, I work with a job coach thru Vocational Rehabitilition, and he has determined that my job title is Office Controller. My past jobs were totally running the offices.  In 2004, all a man had to do was look in my direction and I booked it. It took 4 years before I allowed a man to get close to me. Trust.....is still not here today. I don't know if it ever will be. I still have issues isolating myself. I have always pushed myself, I even owned my own business, I call it my past life. I was very successful in that endevor. Because of Brewster House helped show me, how easy it was to be taken in by a smooth talking man. He was my 2nd husband. Mr. Prince Charming. How wrong can one be?  At least I have a loving son, who came to my rescue and I am alive to tell my story. 


Rebuilding my life, where do you begin? I had no self estime, I felt so stupid, and I still was in love with the man. I learned later that I could be addictied to a man. I knew at the time, when I escaped, that if I didn't go a long way away, I would go back to him. I didn't understand. I was so scared, I just knew that I would return. By traveling 1500 miles away, I knew he probably would not come after me, at least I  hoped he wouldn't. 


9 years, I still can't believe its been that long. I have had 2 great jobs. I seem to thrive on the :fixing" I know thats not the right word. But the challenges presented, kept the depression down. Although I did do something really stupid with my pills and wound up in the Pysc Ward for a week or so. Losing 3 days of my life that I have no memory of. I kinda still have issues with stress. Since not working, I live on 730.00 a month, I lost my truck to repo. A year left owed on it. So when that happen, I accidently overdosed. I just wanted some peace. Not a smart thing to do, And it is the last time I did something so stupid. Drs. did change some of my meds, one really helps me, even when I think maybe sucide, I can cope and use my "toolbox" of coping tools,  I tell you these things, because, no one can know the pain in the soul except one who goes thru these things. Now its important to tell the story of my journey. I am still without work, and I still get depressed, my meds work, I have fought for a long time, thinking I would be cured. Just in the last few weeks, I have come to realize that this is a lifelong battle. Just like someone who has diabetes. It's changed my outlook, to a better one I think.  Not because, its not going to be cured. But it is managable, if I choose to do so. I CHOOSE to be better. I choose to fight this with all I got. I choose to work on my depression and PTSD. It is so hard, and I always need support. Thank God I have these people in my life. 

How do you know if you are being cheated on. And what to do. Please help.

This blog or commenting is really quite new for me so I am not certain who will read it or see it but here goes. I am a very faithful and loyal Dr. Phil vewer.  I do not watch much other television so my point of comparision may be skewed but in my view the Dr. Phil show is one of the best uses of air time out there. 

Several years ago I turned down an invitation to be on the show.  I would have appeared on an episode about a love triangle I thought I was in.  Well the fact that all three of us involved would have had to appear on the show was way to painful for me to endure as the wound was very fresh and I thought I had finally found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.  That was several years ago, after much counseling and self help books and looking at the woman in the mirror I realized that I had never been part of a "love triangle" but rather the victim of two sociopaths/psychopaths.  The first being the man I "fell" for and the second being the woman that was abusing and victimizing him.  As I write many of you will get a sense that I am somewhat protecting him and blaming her.  Clearly that is what I would like to do but well very hard to explain, while he is a true sociopath/psychopath/narcisist and has hurt and destroyed me, in my opinion he is still the less malicious dangerous one than she is and there are true signs that he is abused by her as well.

I am or was a relatively intelligent highly educated hard working woman and now I am a depressed, overweight, cynical shell of that woman and am destroyed and pathetic in my opinion.  I have countless people in my world that simply say get away from the bastard and don't look back.  Well after years of traumatic bonding, the fact that he was my very very very first relationship at age 48 years old and the fact that due to his charm and her evil vulgarity and filthy mouth and lies I have lost my entire family, both immediate and extended well suffice it to say I have held on to hope that he would stand up to her and return to being the soft gentle man I fell in love with.

I went out to the articles associated with Thursday nights show on sociopaths and the woman that abducted the baby.  I took the quiz out there for both of them and they both had a perfect score for being full blown sociopaths.

My entire predicament in addition to fiancial ruin has resulted in my loss of dignity and self esteem as well as embarrassing me and people that know me beyond belief.  He was so crafty and slow and methodical with his deceit and I was so naive never having had a date before (primarily due to a chronic acne condition and scarring and also because I am a Leo and a type A workaholic) that I fell more than hook line and sinker and even after he brought her into our bed (not physically the three of us together) but into our lives I still defended him and went into complete denial.  His primary method of punishing me and hurting me for what ever I did is to withhold affection and sex.  We no longer make love at all and after he met her when we still were because he had a use for me at that point yet another way to take from me, well then he would have sex with me without kissing me and afterward would jump out of bed thoroughly wash himself off and tell me to change the sheets.  He is incredibly handsome and fit and I am sure that is in part why I allowed and tolerated it, that and holding onto the gentleness and kindness he once showered me with. 

He brought that god awful woman into our world after him and I made huge financial decisions together that went south for both of us with the economy.  When he realized he had taken everything he could from me he zoned in on her as she has "cash".  Well I use that term loosely because from my vantage point and although I have lots of proof I don't have 100 percent proof but I have enough to know for certain that most of her money is from having preyed on other men and using her drama and crying to get her way no matter what and there is some inconclusive proof that some of the money she has funneled his way was embezzled.  I am working on proofing that right now just on principle as I have lost so much and Dr. Phil and anyone reading this would say then why waste one more pinch of energy than you already have.  Well if you knew or could see this vile evil horrifically ugly woman and the lives she has destroyed you would feel as I do.  Less than 24 hours after giving him a large amount of money the wife of the owner at her company that oversaw the books mysteriously died. As did her ex boyfriend that was found slumped over a night table with his head bloody and bashed in.  A little too coincidental for me.  My counselor describes this woman as a sociopath and also borderline, narcissistic and histrionic.  Unlike he who is fit and appealing this woman is grotesquesly obese and hideous, but I have learned at 54 that money talks, it's all about money and what she did as a sociopath was to hone in on his vulnerability when he was having financial difficulty and becase she is so repulsive he honed in on her sex addiction and we have a match made in hell with me as the abused "child" in the middle.

Her most recent antics are to dole out his men's supplements and fish oil to prevent me from stealing them (men's supplements for men over 40, while I am female and have no reason to ingest these), she gives him enough for about 3 days and then another three days.  In additon she recently purchased a large rubbermaid cabinet for his house. She now locks up the bath towels and zip lock bags to keep me from stealing them.  They are in the cabinet and double padlocked to keep me out.  O btw I bought the towels for him myself a couple of weeks ago, but because she needs to give him one at a time and keep the rest away from me, well that is why they are double padlocked.

All of this in addition to self mutilation, bold faced lies and crying on cue.  Why doesn't he see it? After years now, what feels like a life time of blaming me for whatever when wrong with him, my counselor and I determined that she looks very very much like his mother, a woman who btw rejected him early on and often, thus supporting the theory of lack of maternal bonding.  If any of her absurd behavior is in anyway pointed out to her by me or anyone else he rages.

For the most part his soiopathy/psychopathy is not as covert and blatant.  He is very demanding of his employees and is pretty much a workaholic but he has some ability to empathize although not much.   He did try to treat me with some kind of respect even after cheating on me I know that is a bit of an oxymoron but she would have none of it.  I am forever getting notes and letters from her telling me how filthy, disgusting and lazy I am and that I am a theif.  He just walks around the house saying he is her puppet and he truly is.  She seems like Jim Jones or someone out of the Stockholm Syndrome. His financial situation is turning around but now he is week and controlled.

I work daily on getting the strength to leave him for good.  There are some business dealings that have entwined us.  Oh and for the record as far as stealing a bit about my background.  I am a CPA and have been a tax accountant for 30 plus years, I built my own home that I have been fighting to save for several years now and I helped put my niece and nephew thru college.  I am a wonderful woman that got mixed up with the wrong man. I have never had any financial assistance from another human being my entire life and she has lived off one man after another.

I need to start over at 54 and I am tired and lost and because of the acne scarring do not feel very pretty at all.  This entire message is rhetorical with one exception.  If we can all related and identify these people why are we not able to get them locked up and prevent them from destroying yet another innocient person.

Thank you for reading,
Terri

this is my 1st blog. not too many 1sts anymore. i feel so hopeless, so alone, confused....just one action away from not being hopeless anymore, not alone anymore, not confused.

i don't do anything because i don't want it to be a possible solution in my daughters lives. so i anguish. i suffer. i am so sick of being a fukking loser.

ah...to get help...i can't afford...i already live in a crime-ridden hole-in-the-wall.  skdjfsklajdfkldsjf. what would i do witho ut these feelinngs? a wish for freedom...ah to go there for a moment.  to have a mom who loves me and tells me, hugs me...to have warm, loving, secure environment to live in.  to let go of  my incessant guilt. to let go of feeling bad. such freedom!


i see dr phil's pic on this web site just lookin. i can hear him as he asks his guests "hows that working for you?"  lol. another 1st. i laughed.  well not much working in my life so i would have much to change. my mind is roilinng like a terrible wave and i'm stuck at the sanndy bottom. i can see blue sky above but its just...out...of...reach....dammit figures.

maybe i'll start drinking again to numb this aweful sucking pain. and smoking. all i need is food for my cat. coffee, cigarettes, and alcohol.  wtf.. no one cares. i barely do.  i'm so afraid to start things to rights because i know i'll fuck it up and be right back where i am now. so why not just stay here? its a fact, not a delusion, its a fact, not a pity party.

wtf.

The start of what i hope will be regular entries on here. This seems like a good spot to tell my tales. I have had an interesting life so far, lived way more than my age suggests, and life has kicked my ass really hard time and time again. 

    I am 44 years old, disabled, divorced, and struggling to stay afloat on the storm of my life. I suffer from chronic pain issues, which began with a work injury in 2001. Different areas of my back and neck have problems with disc's bulging, vertabrae slipping, bone spurs, DDD, migraine headaches, and now its spreading to my legs. My doc is at a loss for why my lower back hurts so much, but oh man it does! If i just stand and do the dishes, i have to take lots of little breaks because if i dont, the pain will get so bad that i will fall down, so i am not very active these days. I used to be a landscaper, and was good at it, but the accident took that from me, like it did so many things. I think back to that day, and it amazes me that one little second of time, one little misplaced step, and my entire life was altered. that accident took away my life pretty much....took away my livelyhood, took away my marriage, many of my friends, and in alot of ways my ability to even enjoy being alive. I am in constant pain, so i have an implanted pain pump which pumps pain killers right into my spine! I have to say it is still very odd to me that i have a little machine in my body that i can feel through the skin. Then there is my depression, which got really bad not long after my divorce, and i went to the hospital for about a month so that i would not take my own life. Things are better now, a little, it mostly feels like i trade in one issue or pain for another. I do have the occasional good day, but my pain issues never stop, and my depression is always right outside my door. More later..............................

My 24 Hour Blood Pressure Averages for 2003 compared with 2008

I've taken my blood pressure over 31,000 times, since 1998, or about seven times per day. I will blog different statistics based on my blood pressure readings. I realize that we are all somewhat different. But... when was the last time you were able to see the results of years of blood pressure readings, to compare against your own?
 
For this first time, I ran reports showing my average hourly readings for 2003 and then for 2008.

My average BP for 2003 was 151/96 based on 1032 readings. Pretty awful for having worked hard on lowering my blood pressure for FIVE years! Thousands of readings, many medicine changes, diet changes, environment changes, and yet, the net fruit of my labor was an average blood pressure of 151/96! Good grief.

The following were my hourly blood pressure readings for the entire year of 2003. If anything, it will give others an idea of how one person's blood pressure varies throughout the day. The averages are listed via the 24 hour clock. So you need to substract 12 from any time after noon, in order to get the afternoon times. Thus 16 is actually 4pm. At 4pm (16) my readings were 146/92 based on 59 readings. At 10pm (22) my readings were 163/103 based on 60 readings.

Hour Systolic/Diastolic and Readings; --- for Jan 1, 2003 through Dec 31, 2003

• 1 141/86 # 3

• 2 144/90 # 6

• 3 143/93 # 7

• 4 151/98 # 7

• 5 150/97 # 8

• 6 153/100 # 16

• 7 158/102 # 54

• 8 147/93 # 83

• 9 139/88 # 80

• 10 143/90 # 88

• 11 147/94 # 71

• 12 148/95 # 73

• 13 151/96 # 39

• 14 148/92 # 21

• 15 152/94 # 41

• 16 146/92 # 59

• 17 147/93 # 37

• 18 152/95 # 46

• 19 155/99 # 64

• 20 162/101 # 71

• 21 163/102 # 75

• 22 163/103 # 60

• 23 156/98 # 19

• 24 145/97 # 4

I started a strict, frequent feeding, low calorie, low carb diet in December, 2004. The effects of the diet were almost immediate, and resulted in a lowering of my blood pressure. I also do demanding physical exercise every day. But, in order to get my blood pressure down to healthy levels all the time, 24 hours per day, I had to remove toxins from my home, such as anything that contained VOCs (Volatile Organic Compounds), such as formaldehyde. Many irritants inside our homes outgas fumes that will not only cause higher blood pressure but will cause all kinds of nasty health problems, and worsen autoimmune diseases.

For 2008, my average has been 121/72, based on 1968 readings, but when I look at the hourly averages, I notice that my morning readings, from 6am through noon are now my lows for the day, whereas when my blood pressure was at very unhealthy levels, in 2003, the blood pressure levels were always bad, but the worst from 8pm to 10pm. My afternoon average blood pressure readings are somewhat higher than I would like, but acceptable since my health is improving at these levels. Interesting huh? The readings for the early morning and late night are somewhat faulty because of the low number of readings. The reason I was up at that time was probably because I wasn't feeling good, or was having problems with my heart, so I would expect higher readings during those times of illness and stress.

I also notice that I take more readings in the morning, when my blood pressure is at it's best, so that my average blood pressure of 121/72 for all of 2008, is not as good as it seems, and should probably be about 124/73, all things being equal.

The following are my hourly averages for 2008.

Hour Systolic/Diastolic and Readings; --- for Jan 1, 2008 through Nov 9, 2008

• 1 134/75 # 8

• 2 125/75 # 6

• 3 128/73 # 6

• 4 128/74 # 14

• 5 123/71 # 43

• 6 119/69 # 140

• 7 112/67 # 180

• 8 109/64 # 145

• 9 118/71 # 127

• 10 115/69 # 124

• 11 118/70 # 98

• 12 119/71 # 121

• 13 123/73 # 67

• 14 125/74 # 142

• 15 122/73 # 53

• 16 126/74 # 131

• 17 129/76 # 60

• 18 128/76 # 142

• 19 128/76 # 77

• 20 125/75 # 137

• 21 125/74 # 85

• 22 125/73 # 74

• 23 131/75 # 9

• 24 125/71 # 3

If anything, you can compare my results with your own results, or your own perceptions of your own blood pressure patterns and averages.

Now what am I doing?  It seems all of my efforts for complete sobriety have failed and I handed in the world of technology.  Why not?  When I first tried recovery, I don't think I even owned a cell phone, let alone a computer. 



The only solution given to me was AA.....I was only 20 years old and already spiraling down that sad lonely path of destruction....well long story short....23 years later and honestly surprised I am still alive to try to claw my way back.



I tried AA over and over and still found myself in the same place....bottle in hand, full of shame, guilt, fear and probably every negative emotion there is.....beating my head, wanting death, but not really, just wanting to end the pain.....how could I let this happen again?



"The truth shall set you free!"  We'll see about that.  I have a long story...not all bad, but for now all I can say is that I refuse to give up, I am so not a conformist, yet all I want is acceptance....a loner, yet such a people person...I can't even understand myself, yet I know me and why I do things in and out....I am so complex, yet which such simplicity.



Pray for me on my new journey.  I feel like it is my last hope, yet how many other times have I felt this way.....